April showers bring May weeds.

(We ran 4.3 miles yesterday :)

I just woke up from my nap only to realize that I was not alone on my twin mattress. My 100lb dog (who refuses to be little spoon) engulfed the other half of my bed, and the cat (note I do not say "my cat") was sprawled across his face and planted in a pile of my hair.

Today has been lovely. Yesterday was too, actually. I woke up this morning to the sound of rain and have been smiling ever since. Add to that an impromptu mid-morning tea date with Briauna, my heart, and this day just can't get much better. It will though! Just about to leave for church and catching up in my journal.

Over a cup of hot tea today, it was refreshing to express my fears with a dear soul. Insecurities, big life questions, sizable doubts -- you know, all the good stuff. Most of mine revolved around the next 8 weeks of my life. Big crossroads, with even bigger implications. I have always wanted to live up to the meaning of my name, Courage, but am finding that my feet are getting colder and colder the closer I get to D day.

I don't know what will come of my life after graduation. I don't know where I'll end up, or who I'll end up with, but upon waking up from my nap this afternoon, I was reminded of God's word to me from earlier this semester. While driving home from class one day, I was fighting with the earplugs of my heart. I didn't want to pause, to be silent; I was resistant to hear what the Lord God wanted to speak to me. Truth be told, I was afraid of what He would say. Typing this now, I realize how ridiculous I must sound, but this is a reflection of the previous state of my heart.

Finally, I threw my hands up in surrender (not literally, I was on the 202), and after that, the Spirit's voice in my life was loud and clear. He spoke to me and told me that He wanted to bring me to a place of dependence in my life; dependence on Him, especially over the next few months. I smiled, asked for forgiveness and responded: God, take me to that place.

This afternoon, I sprung up out of bed (to a room that is STILL dirty) and smiled, realizing that my apprehension is quite alright... He is merely taking me farther on this road of dependence. He is making me lean, more and more, onto the Father.

While reading through Isaiah this week, I stumbled upon this: You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is set upon you, because he trusts in You.

My King, would you usher me into you courts of peace and may I trust in you always. In the midst of my fears and failures, when I am questioning that which you are leading me through, may I never question Your heart towards me. May I always be aware of your goodness towards me, quick to remember Your gift of grace, Your generous good news. May You sink me deeper into your depths and may I learn that I have nothing to fear. When my spirit is cowardice, would Your spirit empower me. Bring me to that place of dependence O God.


Have you had a time in your life when you were approached with BIG crossroads? If so, I would love to hear about the context and how you made your decision!

{heart}
Kel

Accounts of His faithfulness.

Mmm hello :) I am currently sitting on the front porch, rocking, and enjoying the day. I ought to be studying for my test tomorrow... let's face it, the reality of impending graduation has made studying more difficult!

But I am sitting here, recalling God's faithfulness to me in the past year and a few instances came to mind. I decided to share :)


I woke up one morning, frantic, late for school (imagine that). While I was throwing things in my purse, I realized that I was down to my last piece of gum. I muttered a silly prayer and said "God, I know that it is just gum, but I can't afford another pack. Provide?" When I got home from class that day, I turned the lock to my little house in phx, only to find a pack of gum on my table with a note saying "Happy fall <3 Mrs. Mac" I smiled at God and then ran inside and squeezed her.

This March, I was down to the last page in my journal and prayed "God, it's almost full and I don't have extra money to spend. Provide?" Not a day later, I was in the car, driving with Briauna love, on our way to Casa Grande Mountain when she pulled out a gift bag. She smiled and said that she had picked something up for me, for my birthday. Flustered, I opened it while driving... Yeah, it was a new journal. I'm pretty sure I said "SHUT UP" and then smiled, assured that God hears even my faint pleads.

Last fall, I felt like God was asking me to stop spending money on green tea. Mind you, I am in college, I do not drink coffee to sustain myself through nursing school ;) and I was only buying green tea twice a week -- at the Coffee Shop (a grand total of $6.62 a week -- until they raised their prices to $6.66 a week... hmm just now picking up on that number). Really struggling with this, I decided to be faithful and agreed. One day, I found myself in Gilbert and had 4 hours to kill. Knowing that I was near the Coffee Shop, I drove into their parking lot. I spent twenty - check it, 20 mins parked. In their parking lot. Talking to God. Let's be honest, I was bargaining. My plea was "God, I don't have anywhere else to go. I really need to study. I don't want to loiter AND I want to study here." Still not at peace about buying myself a drink, after 20 mins, I felt like He told me to just go inside. Admitting defeat, I took my wallet and stood in line. With just one lady in front of me, I was shocked when the gal turned around and said "You know, I would like to buy your drink". I'm pretty sure I refrained from kissing her cheek, but I smiled and winked at God, thanking Him for His provision in my life.

Yesterday, I woke up late and decided not to wear makeup for clinical. Running out of the house with a cup of cereal in my hand, I confessed my insecurities to God and said "help me to know that my worth, my beauty is in Jesus -- not makeup". *Side note, I don't like makeup. **Other side note, I don't like acne. But when the latter appears, the former is trumped. Back to the story, feeling very much like I was having a bad face day yesterday, I walked into a patient's room yesterday afternoon to do an assessment. As I was leaning down close, listening to her lungs, the patient smiled at me and said "You are nothing short of beautiful -- even without makeup" I grabbed her hand and squeezed it, thanking her for her generous words and then thanked God, for His kindness towards me -- for removing even the smallest of insecurities in my life.

Oh my, it's 6:11, I need to wrap this up! Mmm, I'll leave you with a good one!

3 years ago, I worked as a Bag Girl for Safeway. I lasted a whole 8 weeks, but while I was there, I was keenly aware that God had a purpose for my presence at that store. It was for one employee in particular -- a guy who worked at the Starbucks counter. I felt God whisper to my soul "Kelly, I have you here for him." Utterly confused as to why, I began to pray. Even though my employment with Safeway was short lived, my prayer for this boy, for his salvation, lasted for a while.

In October, I drove from Phx to Gilbert one Thursday night, arriving at Sun Valley for prayer. Walking up to the building, I saw someone cleaning all of the windows -- undoubtedly serving. As I walked by him, I said hello; recognizing his face, but not able to place it, I went into the classroom. Not a few minutes later, I realized who it was, abruptly got up and ran back to the lobby. Hoping to find him, I soon realized that he was gone. In his place was an older gentleman, also washing windows. I walked up to him and inquired about the guy he had replaced. It was him! I smiled upon hearing his name and asked the man for this guy's story. He finished the conversation by saying that this guy had been searching for something in his life and ended up at Sun Valley one weekend -- it wasn't but a few weeks until he accepted the salvation that only Jesus offers and wanted to participate in serving the church! He decided to join the team that maintains the campus and found himself there, washing windows, on a Thursday night. I'm pretty sure I cried on the way home from prayer that night.

Recalling God's faithfulness in my life tends to have that effect on me. It's not because of my prayers -- my words have no power. It is all because of the goodness of God. It is all because of Jesus. It is all because of His new life in me. Great is God, and great is His faithfulness in my life.

{heart}
Kel

Oh but I can't....

I cannot

.Walk in a straight line.
.Shower without singing.
.Bake without tasting the batter.
.Sleep without my ears being covered.
.Study without cleaning.
.Drink green tea with sugar (yuck).
.Yawn without my glottis making a funny noise.
.Have two productive conversations at once.
.Happily wear makeup more than three times a week.

But I can

.Sing for joy in the Shadow of his wings.
.Cling to him, who upholds me with his right hand.
.Seek him earnestly and thirst for him, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.

And I can love.

I know what I am capable of when it comes to love. I want my love to always be liberating. I know that I do not want my love to be manipulative, contingent on how I am feeling or who I am loving. I want to love recklessly; in the same way Jesus has loved me. It does not make sense, but it can truly set you free.

Someday, I would like to find a person to permanently commit my love to. My greatest challenge yet, I want to accept him right where he's at and let my love abolish his insecurities. Someday, I want to let go and let in and wholly love... Just like Jesus.

Teach me some melodious sonnet,
Sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I’m fixed upon it,
Mount of Thy redeeming love.

Come, my Lord, no longer tarry,
Take my ransomed soul away;
Send thine angels now to carry
Me to realms of endless day.

{heart}
Kel