I'm Done.

Today has been a blah day. Apparently, I caught a nasty cold from my camping trip this weekend -- which was incredible I will have you know. :) But yeah, I've been home alone pretty much all day today, and with the exception of dead-heading my flowers, and dropping Kev off at school, I've been in bed asleep pretty much all day :\ Ew. When I woke up from my nap this afternoon, I realized that I'm done. I am so done.

Exhausted and spent, I try so hard to hold onto the things in my life. With fists clenched tight around things I wish to have control over (my future, different friendships, just life in general I suppose...), I prayerfully offer all that I am -- all of me to God. My prayer is that He would use me and everything in my life to make Him look good. My desire is to be a strong representation of Him who holds my heart. Today, after my nap, I realized that when I try to hold onto things in my life, I'm not truly surrendering all of me to Him.

What a hypocrite. Often times, my motto in life has been all or nothing. Today, I decided to surrender all of me to Jesus. After open-handedly offering all of me to Him, I found myself wondering "why is it that I seem to come to this conclusion every 6 months or so?" The conclusion of needing to whole-heartedly surrender all of me to Jesus... The answer came to me in my time of devotion this evening. For those of you who don't know, I have been working my way through the old testament. I currently find myself in the Psalms, and today's passage really addressed my heart.

Psalm 85
Will you not revive us again,
that your people may rejoice in you?
Show us your steadfast love, O Lord,
and grant us your salvation.
Let me hear what God the Lord will speak,
for He will speak peace to his people,
to his saints;
but let them not turn back to folly.
Surely his salvation is near
to those who fear Him,
that glory may dwell in our land.
Righteousness will go before me
and make a way for my footsteps.

Towards the beginning of the old testament, God chose His people the Israelites. He was in relation with them. He led them and provided for them. He made a covenant with them that if they followed Him, and didn't turn astray and worship other Gods, that He would then not withhold any good thing from them and that His presence would continue to dwell with His people. For those of you who don't know how that story ends, the Israelites make it to the promise land, and within a matter of years turn away from God. Throughout the rest of the old testament history repeats itself. God's people repent and make promises that they then break within a matter of years or generations.

The psalmist who wrote Psalm 85, first began by reminding God of the covenant that He made with His people. Unlike man, God keeps His promises. The psalmist then began to plee to God, that He might revive the hearts of His people. That is so my prayer! I wish for Him to revive my heart, and I want nothing more than to rejoice in Him. I am thankful for His salvation but wish to continually be aware of His steadfast love for me. I wish to be silent and wait to hear the voice of God in my life, and my hope is that I will not turn back to folly - or to my inherently sinful ways of wishing to be in control of my life. Salvation has come for those who fear Him! And I wish to bring Him glory in my land forever and ever. His righteousness will go before me, and make a way for my footsteps. All I have to do is surrender and trust.

May He revive your heart, as well as mine. May you rejoice in Him and find peace. May you quietly wait to hear the voice of God in your life, and may you not turn back to your former ways as the Israelites did. May you have awareness of His steadfast love for you, and may you bring Him glory with your life forever and ever. May you experience the joy that comes with His salvation, and may His righteousness make a path for your footsteps.

I'm done.