Wednesday, October 17, 2012

A kind revelation.

{Meet my dog, Bam!}

My daughter wake up
Stand. Rise.
Leave that which is weighing you down.

I say, Be Not Afraid.
Will you trust?

Your eyes ares are open, your heart is feelings closed.
Return to me again.

For you are free.

Freed not only from your past, but freed from the fears of your future failure.
Engage not in the bondage of that which you have done or could do.
Accept my invitation to be free from yourself, in the present moment.

One blood, red atoned white, has released you.
It is sufficient.

I say, this day, that My Blood is enough.

Will you trust?

I have opened the bedraggled gate to the cage that is you.
I have bridged the distance from fallen to holy.
I invite you now to come.

Tarry not my beloved.

Accept the wholeness of my blood offering.
Be free, be You, be with Me.

-Father

Thankful for the warmth of His weighty presence.

{heart}
Kel

Monday, July 23, 2012

Searching for purpose.

{The purpose in a man's heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding draws it out. Proverbs 20.5}

Searching for vision.

Striving for purpose.

I'm broadsided by Your grace.

Taken captive by Your mercy, once again.

The heart of this daughter is not unfamiliar to You.

You know it, and its wayward fibers, well.

How I must remind You of a story, dating many years back.

Of a person, a people, searching for purpose in things, other than You.

A people, wanting the fruit of Your hands, but uninterested in seeking Your heart.

A people assured of Your goodness, but unwilling to give of themselves for Your riches.

A desert.

Many rescue stories.

A path marked with fire.

You led them one step at a time.

One foot infront of the other.

You did not disclose the end point.

You longed for their presence in the present.

What if my story, is like that of my forefathers?

What if Your intervention remained the same?

What if my destination was found in You?

What if my heart sought Yours and found its purpose therein?

What if I accepted the free love of Jesus?

What if I stopped living like His love was cheap?

What if righteousness was a way of living, and trust was my first instinct?

What if my eyes were so set on You, that the world could not adulterate them?

What if my thirst for purpose was overcome by my hunger for You?

What if my knee took its place and my desires bowed with it?

You do not offer me a guilt trip.

My heart knows Your mercy full well.

Your hand is outstretched to my weary heart.

You say...

"My daughter, come and drink.

The cup that I offer you is far from wrath.

It is righteousness in the blood Jesus."


You have been waiting for Your purpose and I have been waiting for You to discover that You purpose is Me.


I am undone.

{heart}
Kel
{I've made some equine friends here :) Don't you just want to kiss him? SO sweet!}

FL Update!
-Work is going well. I have a fab preceptor, have had the chance to play with medications that used to be "off limits" for me, and the culture of the hospital is wonderful. People are receptive to new ideas, well educated, and are always striving to do better. I has made for a great learning medium.
-Haven't made a final decision, but I'm fairly sure that I've found a church. Next step: get plugged in!
-The core community that I have here is small, but I am so thankful for each and every one of them. It has taken a while to adjust to the lack of key people in my life, but I'm starting to branch out and move forward. I still miss the hell out of people back home.
-It feels Southern here. A culture steeped in tradition. The sweet tea is as thick as maple syrup. The day to day pace is slow. And I've already began calling everyone "Ma'am" and "Sir". Above all, I feel like there are still racial undertones here, which has come as a surprise to me -- perhaps it was my naivety, but I didn't see (or hear) much of that in AZ. Churches are different too. Emphasis on "religion".
-I love the fact that I can be outside at any point in the day and not feel like death from the scorching heat! Last week, we went on a hunt for gators and found a handful of them laying out on the banks of a swamp! The people here are kind. Most take a sincere interest in you and are willing to stop whatever they're doing and talk/help. It is refreshing! I may or may not have spent an additional 20mins at the bank conversing with the tellers about Gville and life back home in AZ and churches to try ;)
{Safety first}
-I've gotten back into the swing of working out! Running, rollerblading, walking the loop, lifting weights, and circuit training! So much fun. The family that I live with is very active and include me in their daily workouts -- so fun!

-I'm moving into a home with 2 other girls next month. I'm looking forward to the start of something new, but will sorely miss the family I live with now. They are so warm, have made me feel like I belong in their fam, and have provided a safe place for me to stay. It has made for a smooth transition to Gainesville.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Sweetly undone.


On the cusp of my quietest time with You, the noise in my head interrupts.

Many thoughts, squishing through the narrow funnel, to my heart.

My deep longs for Your depth.
 
Desperate, You remind me, that...

You will not ask me for a gift that You have not already given.

Time, attention, passion, the present moment.

Love and life and tall-comings.

Mistakes and insecurities and greatest successes.

All have been ornately wrapped and personally delivered, from Your kind hands.

And you acquaint me with the suffering of Mary.

The woman whose womb bore a sacrificial testimony of a love for Your Son.

A love for her son.

The only mother, capable of offering the Son of God, back to God.

Her suffocating grief and heavy tears returned to You as well.

Reminding me that: everything is a gift from Your hand.

Tonight, You speak.

You ask for me to come; to return to You, that which has come from You.

All that You want is all of me.

I have been sweetly undone.

Intimately wrecked, by my tender Giver.

May I hold nothing back.

Unrelenting, help me learn to give You my whole self, with joy.

{heart}
Kel 
{On the way to St. Augustine beach on Friday}
{Quality rest with generous people}

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

I belong to You.

Hard ground.

Falling seed.

Fruit comes with the plow, the sun, the water.

Surely the compact plot must be softened with time, sweat, tenacity.

The till drops in, drags, cuts deep.


Undone, the original ground cannot remain the same.

To be successful with the plow is to leave behind a medium ready for change.

The sun rises and brings with it the sweat of noon.

Suffering, hot, pressing, bright.

The sun nourishes.

Feeding, it also dehydrates, leaving new spores dependent on water.

To have need.

To be desperate for something that cannot be controlled.

To trust that the water will come.

It will serve its purpose, to refresh and sustain.

To trust that the water will come.

And the culture of my heart is in need of a Savior.

Pierced hands behind the plow.

An earnest longing for a changed daughter.

You thought of me when you breathed Your last on the beam.

A Son that has risen for the transgressions of this land.

The Son has risen.

Never again will I know a consuming fire

A heat spurred on by wrath, by justice, by vengeance.

For the heat that I feel comes from Your refining fire.

Waiting.

Waiting for the promised flood.

To have need.

I can fool many, but You see my heart.

Trust running thin, being stretched.

To trust You and the whispers You have spoken to my soul in the color of night.

Your hushed tone is familiar, but where are the living waters You have spoken of?

Streams to rise up and relinquish this drought

And they come.

Gray clouds that drown out the bright light.

But even they are a receipt of Your promise.

Another shade of the color of Your faithfulness.

They bring with them drops and puddles and floods.

You overwhelm and overcome the harshest of droughts with the kindness of Your heart.

You break even the wildest of spirits with Your tenderness.

You are Abba, my Father, my good Dad.

and You evoke a tender response in me.

I breathe in

-Abba-

And breathe out

-I belong to You-

{heart}
Kel




1. First week of orientation -- new work friends, running along the golf course in the rain, lounging in the pool with Pookie -- the cutest long hair Chihuahua ever.
2. First of eight ICU classes. Coffee was a must, almost fell asleep during the hemodynamics lecture!
3. My new room. Truly a haven and place for rest and solitude.
4. R & C -- two of the wonderful people I live with! We went to a wine bar that night and sampled all kinds of wine and port! Delish

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Carried away in May I's.

May I delight in You.

May I acknowledge You at every opportunity.

May I believe that You are sufficient.

May I be content with Your affection.

May I rest secure in Your lot.

May I trust the finality of Your blood.

May I grant You passport into the secret place of my innermost being.

May I trust Your heart.

May I love You for who You are, not for what You have to give.

May I be present with You.

May I lose sight of everything but the goodness of Your heart.

May I wake up each morning from revelations of Your tenderness.

May I fall deeper into intimacy with You, never to resurface again.

{heart}
Kel

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Brick by brick.

Sturdy.

Walls built high, built sure. 

The consummate fight for protected boundaries.

Internal space, representing the fast approaching, external distance.

As if walls could placate the true longing for intimacy.

Great walls may make for great neighbors.

But high fences are hardly for lovers.

The reflexes of the soul engage in dire times.

To fight or to flee?

Fighting is hard, requiring much.

Characterized by proactive, intentional, forward movement,

It takes you far from your walls, your self-built prison.

Fleeing requires will and swift feet.

Many bricks, even more mortar.

But there is no armor for the back.

With a facade of being safe, fleeing leaves one vulnerable, unprotected.

On the eve of good bye, with an internal choice to be made, You remind me...

That You do not build walls around Your heart.

That safety mechanisms may serve their purpose,

But they grow on a medium of isolated living.

What does it say of a life, if it is not being lived?

What does it show of a love, if the heart is incapable of being hurt?

May You lead me far from the high walls I have built around my heart.

Bring me out the captivity I have been enslaved in; the imprisonment of myself.

Drown the safety mechanisms of my flesh, until only a love that reflects Your heart, remains in me.

{heart}
Kel


FL Update!!
-I wrote this the day before I left for FL. I was having a hard time saying goodbye to the people that meant the most. I felt like I had been internally distant with those that I love for the past 6 weeks, ever since I had been offered the job, really. On the day before I left, I realized that I was not engaging my family and dear friends on a personal level, because my heart was anticipating the 2,000 mile gap that would be coming soon. I was reminded of His truth, and just in time.
-Goodbyes were more rough than anticipating, but the past few days here have truly been sweet!
-I am living with a family that already feels like my own. Their generosity has been difficult to receive (being independent isn't always a beautiful thing), but truly overwhelming. They have been grace in my life -- giving me more than I deserve.
-I finished my pre-employment physical yesterday and had my picture taken for my badge!
-I met up with some fabulous ladies on Thursday for a movie night out! Truly loved my time with them, and think that I have found a roommate/living situation for the fall!
-I've started a Beth Moore biblestudy on the book of James, I'll be able to make the first group on Tuesday!
-Orientation starts on Monday.
-The town is picturesque, the weather is gorgeous (the humidity has done wonders for my hair and my skin isn't dry!!!), and the down time has been necessary for regrouping of my soul!
-It may be too soon to say this, but I really feel like this will turn out to be a wonderful move for my life!

Saturday, June 9, 2012

Fear.

{For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity but of power and love and self control. 2 Tim 1:7}

Hardened.

Brittle, not soft.

Like porous ground, stern as brick.

The culture of my heart has been difficult to cultivate.

Fibers grown callous by weeks of imbedded fear.

Fear.

The oppressive spirit, that has been willingly engaged.

It was a slow degeneration.

Soil growing dry.

Masked by business and several good byes.

A bitter progression lead me far from being vulnerable with You; impressionable and soft.

And I go to bed.

Feeling distant, light fading dim.

Feeling very much afraid.

And I awake from Your visions, colored and true.

You have been acquainted with fear.


You have known nothing of evil.

In the garden, eyes seeping tears, falling on ground, now fertile.

You begged that the cup, the Cross, be taken from You.

You are Jesus, tried and true.

You have faced the abominable presence of fear and remained steadfast.

Your heart, in sync with the Father's, was soft.

Soft, even in the presence of the most keen weapon of the evil one.

I awake to the sun rising, rejoicing in this: that The Son has risen.

You have not been bound by fear.

Your drops of blood, now rushing vast as a river, cover my indiscretions.

Your body, afflicted and hollow, beckons me to come and hide.

Your scars and nakedness resound with affection for me.

Your life and death and life eternal invite me to BE NOT AFRAID.

You drown me in Your good news.

Freedom is for today.

Life is for living, in tune with the Father.

Triumph is for the weak and trusting, for You are strong and worthy to be trusted.

Today, this day, I am secure in this: that my lot is in You

... and You will complete the work You have begun in me.

May You set Your hand to the plow in my heart and not finish until my fields are pliable.

Tender, like Jesus.

{heart}
Kel

FL Update!
-This is from a few weeks ago -- when I was battling fear and anxiety related to the move. There are so many unknowns! After 3 precious people prayed peace over my life in the span of 24 hours, I realized that I was engaging fear, instead of wasting away in trust with the Father.
-My car is officially in FL! I feel like a pre-adolescent again. Asking mom and dad for rides! They have been more than gracious :)
-Saying goodbyes has left me feeling emotionally bankrupt.
-Because of that, I'm looking forward to not knowing many people on the other end! This will give me some time to recoup and rebuild what I have with Jesus in the secret places of my heart.
-I've been asked to speak at the ASU School of Nursing Induction Ceremony in August, so it looks like I'll be coming back for a visit then :) :)
-I fly out early Tuesday morning and am truly excited to start this new chapter!

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Strong to a fault

You have made me strong.

At times, I realize, that I am strong to a fault.

As a gift to Your heart, oil to Your feet, I wake up from a full night's dreams, only wishing to surrender.

Help me to trust.

Lead me on Your path of life; steep, narrow, uneven.

Instill in me a heart that is eager to follow.

Stop these fears from placing a bridle on Your extravagant plans.

Sweetly woo the regins away from clasped fingers.

Let us run together, I the trusting one.

Keep me from dismounting when the path gets steep; as if my own two feet are more able than Yours.

May peace reign in my heart as we move at Your pace.

Never let me forget...

That You have been faithful in this life, amongst my faithless seasons.

That Your heart towards me is good; hands empty or hands full.

That the compass of Your heart is set on home and You are leading me on refining.

That You are my Great Protection, and together, we will flee the enemy.

That You are the Strong One.

That it is not a mark of failure to be weak with You.

That I cannot be more successful than being dependent on You and resting in You.

That You are kind.

{heart}
Kel

Florida Update!
2 shifts left at work!
1 Family wedding
Going away party at my Parent's place on June 2 @ 6:30pm -- come!
I am shipping my car (with clothes, shoes, hair products)
I have purchased a One-way plane ticket
I am stoked to start my new job (and be on days)
I am looking forward to sharing life with a small handful of quality individuals that are receiving me on the other side
:)

Friday, May 11, 2012

I was made to belong.

Anxious.

Restless.

Moving.

The pace of my day, the speed of my thoughts, seem to drown out Your presence.

Fearful.

Tearful.

Strong.

My head sits perched, above my heart, as if to stand guard.

Good byes being said.

Boxes packed.

Dainty belongings, neatly loaded.

The bags of my soul seem to be waiting by the door too.

Slowing down.

Shutting up.

Tuning out... the world and all of its noise.

You tame me with Your grace.

You break me with Your tenderness.


You are kind.

You are good, and to that, my whole being can attest.

You are faithful.

You remind me... 

That trust is the antidote to anxiety.

That shalom can overcome the bitter sting of restlessness.

That stillness does not equate to failure.

That fear can prevent wild dreams from being attained.

That You delight in my asthmatic episodes of tears.

That the strength of my head is my way of keeping you an arms length away from my heart.

That Good Bye are two words that I will never hear from You, directed towards me.

That even though my address is changing, my soul can sink down roots in You, the bags of my soul can be unpacked in Your eternal dresser. 

Truth is...

You are worthy to be trusted, Your faithfulness litters my story.

Shalom is accessible to me, this day, because of Jesus.


I can not be more successful than being still, in spirit, and posturing myself before You.

You stopped at nothing to let Your love triumph over fear. Fear comes from the father of lies, but You are my Good Father, and I will choose this day, to listen to You.

Tears are my gift of surrender. Tender vulnerability, packaged in small wet drops, addressed to Your heart.

I have created the distance I feel between us, but You are dear, and Jesus was just dying to share Your intimacy with me.

Jesus secured my inheritance in You. That we will never again be separated. I will never be left nor forsaken, life in abundance is my reality because of Jesus.

My belonging is secure in You. My lease won't expire with You. I need not tread lightly with You.

I can be carried away in my rawness with You, because You are the only place I was made to belong.

{heart}
Kel

FL update!!
-I'm out of my apartment in Tempe
-My one-way ticket has been purchased for FL
-I'm shipping my car and some of my things
-I have finished the process of converting my AZ Nursing license to a FL license
-I'll be staying with some dear family friends until I get on my feet
-My new job starts June 18th!

Monday, April 30, 2012

Keep Calm and Move to Florida

Surprise!

What? As of last Monday (4/23), I am moving to Florida!

When? First week of June!

Where? Gainesville -- North, Central FL -- home of the UF gators

Why? I have accepted a new job at a local hospital. I will be moving up in my career and assuming new roles as an RN. I'll be working on their Step down/Medical ICU and am excited to be advancing in my profession.

Save the date -- June 2, 2012. Come and join me for an ice cream sundae and good-byes.

Stay tuned for updates of the journey to FL and the adventures to ensue :)

Much to disclose and much to unfold in the coming weeks!

{heart}
Kel 


Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Work in progress.


Do I make Your heart sad?

Do I make Your eyes leak?

I know that I made Your blood bleed.

Do You hear the cries of this child and see pangs from self inflicted wounds?

How my words must force the nails.

Tendon, bone.

Cracked, broken.

How my heart must lick Your side.

My apathy was the bitter sponge that You willing drank from.

My rebellion weighed in wood.

Misplaced on the temporary, my desperation fueled Your angst remark.

"Why have You forsaken me?"

You address not my soul, but the maker of this will.

No longer calling Him Father, but God, You were the blueprint for my freedom.

And Your body was cold.

Your skin, neatly wrapped.

The marker was placed on Your grave.

You really did die.

In death, You stripped me of my only shameful excuse.

Naked now, I'm left to be.

Sitting, unscathed, secure in belonging.

Guilt 6 feet down in the ground.

Light trickles in and Your whole self envelopes.

Quiet and still, Your spirit descends.

You whisper...

Hand out, My child, just trust
Be mine, my beloved; be different, be free
and always believe me when I say

I'm not finished with you yet.

{heart}
Kel

Listening to this and soaking in today.

Friday, January 27, 2012

Yours for the taking.

The levy of my soul breaks for You.

My inner waters flood the external.

They sing a chorus of praise, unique and free.

No guilt, no shame, just thanksgiving.

You are so kind.

I am drowning in Your goodness.

Wasting away in Your embrace.

My whole self is spilling over with the fullness You pour in.

I am quiet.

I am still.

I am taken.

I am Yours

and You are just right.

{heart}
Kel

Monday, January 16, 2012

Still with me.

On the medium of silence, my mind grows many thoughts.

Caught in the contamination, I have a choice.

To believe the father of lies, or to believe The Father.

Your voice is familiar, often quiet.

His voice can be loud, drowning the silence.

May I harvest the thoughts inoculated from Your heart.

If my thoughts influence my feelings, than who am I really listening to?

Because

I stretch, but do not feel straight.

I shower, but do not feel clean.

I run, but do not feel closer.

I sit, but do not feel quiet.

I dream, but do not understand.

I wake up.

And in the dark, Your self overwhelms me.

In the night You have drawn my heart so close to Yours.

That with my first waking breath, I can feel it.

I am breathing in and out Your grace
.

And my mind may be a battlefield, but I have the best defense.

Jesus.

He reminds me that my heart is not up for the taking.

He reaches me with His truth, the greatest news.

The truth is: You played offense for my heart.

The competition for souls is over.

You are the greatest victor.

I lay my weary head down, to be affected by Your redemption in my dreams.

I wake up and rejoice, for You are still with me.

{heart}
Kel

video

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Portion.

To You, my heart is open.

No holding back.

Not a thing remaining hidden.

Do You see the dear things that I hold close?

The treasure of my dreams, my wishes, and desires?

They are not off limits for Your hand.

For Your will.

For You will not ask for a gift from me, that You have not already given to me.

My hands are open.

Nothing is clenched.

My heart won't flinch when You make Your move.

May You take all that You see, especially that which is beautiful.

For beauty came from Your glory.

All that is within me that is good and desirable, was fashioned from Your likeness.

Redeemed by the body.

Blood, red, for me.

These things that I hold dear, have no hold on me; when I rest secure, held by You.

My largest dreams cannot contain Your good news.

I am a new gift, waiting to be unwrapped.

Fashioned for Yourself.

Gifted to Your heart.

May You delight in what You see and take what You delight in, for You are my portion.

{heart}
Kel

This is wonderful.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Priase.


{Babybabybaby}

Wonder and wait, wander too.

Toil and tarry.

Plan and pray.

With the closing of winter comes the grand premier of spring.

Renewal for the barren ground.

Hope.

Unaware of what the next season brings, You speak to my deep.

You beckon praise.

Light to the dark.

Sun to the frigid.

Spring to the inflexible.

You are hope.

Magnificent.

May I be more child-like, less child-ish.

May I praise.

May I hunger.

May I be silent.

May I draw near.

May I not miss it, in a life that mostly does.

May I hear Your faint whisper and obey.

May I walk in the light.

May I draw near with fear and trembling.

May I shut up.

May desperation for Jesus never leave my deep.

May my season never determine my song.

May my heart know full well that every gift is {somehow} good.

May my life and love be a Thank You card, addressed to Your heart.

May I praise.

May I choose joy, rejoice, and bring You praise.

{heart}
Kel


{Family Vacation}