Monday, July 23, 2012

Searching for purpose.

{The purpose in a man's heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding draws it out. Proverbs 20.5}

Searching for vision.

Striving for purpose.

I'm broadsided by Your grace.

Taken captive by Your mercy, once again.

The heart of this daughter is not unfamiliar to You.

You know it, and its wayward fibers, well.

How I must remind You of a story, dating many years back.

Of a person, a people, searching for purpose in things, other than You.

A people, wanting the fruit of Your hands, but uninterested in seeking Your heart.

A people assured of Your goodness, but unwilling to give of themselves for Your riches.

A desert.

Many rescue stories.

A path marked with fire.

You led them one step at a time.

One foot infront of the other.

You did not disclose the end point.

You longed for their presence in the present.

What if my story, is like that of my forefathers?

What if Your intervention remained the same?

What if my destination was found in You?

What if my heart sought Yours and found its purpose therein?

What if I accepted the free love of Jesus?

What if I stopped living like His love was cheap?

What if righteousness was a way of living, and trust was my first instinct?

What if my eyes were so set on You, that the world could not adulterate them?

What if my thirst for purpose was overcome by my hunger for You?

What if my knee took its place and my desires bowed with it?

You do not offer me a guilt trip.

My heart knows Your mercy full well.

Your hand is outstretched to my weary heart.

You say...

"My daughter, come and drink.

The cup that I offer you is far from wrath.

It is righteousness in the blood Jesus."

You have been waiting for Your purpose and I have been waiting for You to discover that You purpose is Me.

I am undone.

{I've made some equine friends here :) Don't you just want to kiss him? SO sweet!}

FL Update!
-Work is going well. I have a fab preceptor, have had the chance to play with medications that used to be "off limits" for me, and the culture of the hospital is wonderful. People are receptive to new ideas, well educated, and are always striving to do better. I has made for a great learning medium.
-Haven't made a final decision, but I'm fairly sure that I've found a church. Next step: get plugged in!
-The core community that I have here is small, but I am so thankful for each and every one of them. It has taken a while to adjust to the lack of key people in my life, but I'm starting to branch out and move forward. I still miss the hell out of people back home.
-It feels Southern here. A culture steeped in tradition. The sweet tea is as thick as maple syrup. The day to day pace is slow. And I've already began calling everyone "Ma'am" and "Sir". Above all, I feel like there are still racial undertones here, which has come as a surprise to me -- perhaps it was my naivety, but I didn't see (or hear) much of that in AZ. Churches are different too. Emphasis on "religion".
-I love the fact that I can be outside at any point in the day and not feel like death from the scorching heat! Last week, we went on a hunt for gators and found a handful of them laying out on the banks of a swamp! The people here are kind. Most take a sincere interest in you and are willing to stop whatever they're doing and talk/help. It is refreshing! I may or may not have spent an additional 20mins at the bank conversing with the tellers about Gville and life back home in AZ and churches to try ;)
{Safety first}
-I've gotten back into the swing of working out! Running, rollerblading, walking the loop, lifting weights, and circuit training! So much fun. The family that I live with is very active and include me in their daily workouts -- so fun!

-I'm moving into a home with 2 other girls next month. I'm looking forward to the start of something new, but will sorely miss the family I live with now. They are so warm, have made me feel like I belong in their fam, and have provided a safe place for me to stay. It has made for a smooth transition to Gainesville.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Sweetly undone.

On the cusp of my quietest time with You, the noise in my head interrupts.

Many thoughts, squishing through the narrow funnel, to my heart.

My deep longs for Your depth.
Desperate, You remind me, that...

You will not ask me for a gift that You have not already given.

Time, attention, passion, the present moment.

Love and life and tall-comings.

Mistakes and insecurities and greatest successes.

All have been ornately wrapped and personally delivered, from Your kind hands.

And you acquaint me with the suffering of Mary.

The woman whose womb bore a sacrificial testimony of a love for Your Son.

A love for her son.

The only mother, capable of offering the Son of God, back to God.

Her suffocating grief and heavy tears returned to You as well.

Reminding me that: everything is a gift from Your hand.

Tonight, You speak.

You ask for me to come; to return to You, that which has come from You.

All that You want is all of me.

I have been sweetly undone.

Intimately wrecked, by my tender Giver.

May I hold nothing back.

Unrelenting, help me learn to give You my whole self, with joy.

{On the way to St. Augustine beach on Friday}
{Quality rest with generous people}

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

I belong to You.

Hard ground.

Falling seed.

Fruit comes with the plow, the sun, the water.

Surely the compact plot must be softened with time, sweat, tenacity.

The till drops in, drags, cuts deep.

Undone, the original ground cannot remain the same.

To be successful with the plow is to leave behind a medium ready for change.

The sun rises and brings with it the sweat of noon.

Suffering, hot, pressing, bright.

The sun nourishes.

Feeding, it also dehydrates, leaving new spores dependent on water.

To have need.

To be desperate for something that cannot be controlled.

To trust that the water will come.

It will serve its purpose, to refresh and sustain.

To trust that the water will come.

And the culture of my heart is in need of a Savior.

Pierced hands behind the plow.

An earnest longing for a changed daughter.

You thought of me when you breathed Your last on the beam.

A Son that has risen for the transgressions of this land.

The Son has risen.

Never again will I know a consuming fire

A heat spurred on by wrath, by justice, by vengeance.

For the heat that I feel comes from Your refining fire.


Waiting for the promised flood.

To have need.

I can fool many, but You see my heart.

Trust running thin, being stretched.

To trust You and the whispers You have spoken to my soul in the color of night.

Your hushed tone is familiar, but where are the living waters You have spoken of?

Streams to rise up and relinquish this drought

And they come.

Gray clouds that drown out the bright light.

But even they are a receipt of Your promise.

Another shade of the color of Your faithfulness.

They bring with them drops and puddles and floods.

You overwhelm and overcome the harshest of droughts with the kindness of Your heart.

You break even the wildest of spirits with Your tenderness.

You are Abba, my Father, my good Dad.

and You evoke a tender response in me.

I breathe in


And breathe out

-I belong to You-


1. First week of orientation -- new work friends, running along the golf course in the rain, lounging in the pool with Pookie -- the cutest long hair Chihuahua ever.
2. First of eight ICU classes. Coffee was a must, almost fell asleep during the hemodynamics lecture!
3. My new room. Truly a haven and place for rest and solitude.
4. R & C -- two of the wonderful people I live with! We went to a wine bar that night and sampled all kinds of wine and port! Delish