Thursday, March 31, 2011

Bring on the GOATS.

It's funny how themes immerse in my life.

On Tuesday night, I was talking to someone about the animal that I resonate with: goats. Out of every animal, there is just something in a goat that seems so familiar.

Having owned goats myself, I can tell you that they are intelligent (always know how to get home), stubborn, playful, ornery, bold and absolutely adorable.

Mmk, so I'm not saying that I'm ALL of those things.... BUT seriously. ;)

Moving on, Thursday nights = prayer at the church. Tonight was no different. While Robin (whom I love) was praying for awakening in the hearts of people here in Gilbert, she said "Lord, and I pray for your sheep, they are so lost." That was it. Just one small mention of sheep, and she continued on in her prayers.

Instantly, God gave me a beautiful revelation. His Spirit spoke to mine, in a way that you would have to experience to know and He said "Kelly, my herd of lost sheep need a goat."

Do you remember hearing about this story? In Turkey, three years ago, a Shepard was grazing his sheep on grass that lined a cliff... one decided to walk over the edge, and next thing you know, 1,500 sheep followed him (why is it that I instinctively want say it was a "him" that took the first plunge...? hmm I'd have to think about that :). Only 450 sheep died. It was said that the other ones lived because they had a pile to break their fall; tragic, really. Would you like to know what their solution was? They introduced a goat to the pack.

This decision was based on the notion that a goat would take the lead and make smart choices that would impact the pack. While praying tonight, the Spirit of God spoke words that pierced my soul; tonight, He said bring on the goats.

The rest of my evening has been filled with childish smiles and prayer. Praying, that God would place me in the middle of a lost herd. A herd needing direction. Praying, that I would make wise decisions and love others into His Kingdom. Praying, that I would not lose sight of how to get back home. And praying that upon my arrival home, I may have a flock, a large flock, following closely behind.

Great is God. Great is His faithfulness in my life.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Picture worth a thousand words.

Don't feel like writing. Much to say, but am suffering from word constipation. So much packed in this brain of mine, that the thought of passing it is overwhelming. Like childbirth. Okay, enough poop analogies... onto photos from the past 3 weeks of my life. I have some beautiful people in my life, people I am lucky enough to love. My Father is so good to me.


Birthday day hike.

And coffee.

And free dozen donuts shared with dear friends.

And she thought that hiking a mountain in Large House, all by ourselves, with a truck full of men parked at the base (shovels in their truck bed) was a good idea... great idea is more like it -- still probably one of the stupidest things I've done in a while though...


One of the most generous people I know.

Have I mentioned that I love to fly? Exhilarating.

Kevin summed up in one picture

Lexy and Banana Pancakes, need I say more?

She greeted me with a knicker and would have crawled into my back pocket had I not been wearing a dress. Someday I will have one of my own.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Funny with goodbyes.

Much, much, much to say, but I will start with this: I am funny with goodbyes.

The first time I realized this was 3 years ago, way back in August of 2008. You see, my brother and I have been pretty close. We are close. In the August of 2008, he moved away to college. Not to be misleading, he moved to ASU's Polytech Campus, which is less than glamorous and closer to home than the nearest gas station (okay, so I exaggerate a little). Nevertheless, he left. A few weeks before his official move out date, I remember having an unacknowledged tension between the two of us.

Push came to shove eventually, and we got into a fight. I remember that it revolved around the laundry, but did it really? No. Neither of us were good at goodbyes. The conversation ended with this: "Well fine, I'll just leave!" "Fine, leave! And I hope the door does hit you on your way out!"

Within the week, I had been officially invited to his "dorm" and it was then, that I realized that we were capable of sustaining a close relationship, even with 8 miles between us.

In class this week, I sensed the same -unacknowledged- tension among my classmates, now, very much my friends. It made me sad for a moment, knowing that for the past two years these beautiful people have seen me at my brightest and at my lowest. I have shared many laughs, inside jokes and pages of notes with these people and this week, I sensed each person drawing back... as if we were all subconsciously aware that this sweet season is coming to a quick end.

I could stay sad, but I was reminded of my history with goodbyes and came to the conclusion that the best outcome of goodbye is living without regret. Loving while they're in your life, caring in the present. Available, should they want you in their future, and committed to those that are forever branded on your heart.

I will need to remind myself of this in the coming weeks, as I know that I have many to say goodbye to.

This is life. Wonderfully, life.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Who's drawing who?

This past weekend, I had the pleasure of precepting in Labor and Delivery with Joanie. I like her more than she probably knows.

Not long after our shift had started, she began to tell me about the sermon she had heard the day before. The gist of it was this: are we attempting to draw God to ourselves? Or are we allowing God to draw us to Him?

Melt my stinkin heart.

That was just what I needed to hear.

All weekend long, my heart had been grappling with grace. Yes, it is free. No, it is not cheap. It is a gift for all who are willing to accept. It does require you to forsake yourself in the process. A beautiful exchange, it asks for you, just the way you are, broken and splintered into pieces. It offers wholeness in the blood of Jesus, purity, righteousness, lightness. A heavy load for a light burden. The road is no Candy Land, but the adventure of faith is a guarantee.

Last Thursday night marked the end of the Spirit drawing me back to the heart of my Father. Friday morning, I found myself wishing to draw the Father close to me. Resting in His provision, His goodness, His faithfulness was apparently not enough. You see, on Friday, I woke up with the need to "put myself back together again" -- to make myself presentable, somehow worthy of the Father's affection.

I went to bed on Thursday night getting it, only to wake up Friday morning missing it.

What had happened in the span of that time? I had returned to my Pharisee propensity. Blinded by the self-righteous nature that unfortunately plagues many youth who have had the privilege of growing up in Church, I had totally missed it. Starting Friday, I began grappling with grace, yet again.

Crazy glue for the soul, whispered prayers, and grieving heart made for a combination that I thought would certainly draw attention from my Father. Recognition at least, sustained restoration at best. I showed up at work on Monday morning with words from a babe saying just what my soul needed to hear.

Know that it's not about you. Know that there is nothing you can do to deserve, let alone earn, affection, connection, forgiveness from the Father. He does not want you to clean yourself up, to hide the ugliness of your soul in a dark and forbidden closet. He sees your dirtiness and died for it just the same. He desires you as you are -- good, bad, and mostly ugly. Know today that His grave, His grace is enough.

May you rest in the truth that He just wants you to stop. Stop trying. He wants the pleasure of drawing you near, pulling you onto His lap, washing your feet and the dirty, hidden, shameful portions of your soul.

He desires you just as you are and He is enough.

May your game of trying to draw Him near cease and may you surrender to His pursuit of your soul.

Love from Florida, Kel

(ps didn't realize that this shirt was low-cut until now... hello mother. hello father.)

Thursday, March 10, 2011

106 miles Round trip.

Tonight was...

Desire. craving to be wanted, to love really.

Searching. high and low for this, in every place but THE place where I knew I would find it.

Ceasing. the fleeing feet of my soul coming to an abrupt stop; still, silent. I am standing now, but not for long.

Repenting. a literal turn from where I had strayed to. the branch recognizing its tie to the vine.

Restoration. to the one whose hands hold my heart, to the one who placed these deep seeded desires in my soul, to the one who filled those longings with himself this evening.

God search me and know me, lead me in the way everlasting.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

What a week.

*I put Burt's Bees on Riley's nose this week... he spent the next 20 mins trying to lick it off :)

This will be brief! And completely pointless.

I know... right? Kelly blog and it be brief?

This week has been many things.

Monday was my Critical Care final and feeling all day like I just needed a hug. It ended with a sleepover at Lisa's, an hour long walk, a pillow fight until we couldn't breathe we were laughing so hard, and a scary movie fest with 4 bodies holding each other in fear... you know, all the good stuff!

Tuesday was a silly class, feeling like I just needed time to hit the refresh button in my mind, my soul really. Lunch with Elvin (my celebrity name for Kevin/Ellie) and a nap that consumed my afternoon. Add to that a long walk with Riley and you have my day.

Wednesday was a loooong test. 180 questions to be precise. I was irritated on Wednesday. Still don't know why. That's a lie actually. Hit up the gym and stair stepped it up. Got a gnarly blister in the process and it DEFINITELY ruptured. Ow. Lightrail back to dad's office and he was kind enough to let me tag along for his lunch appointment. Nap. Walk. Babysat two of the cutest stinkin boys. Omg so fun. Feisty and cuddly would be the two words I would use to describe them. The best combo of two traits ever. I would be lucky if I ended up with 2 just like them.

And today? I have done absolutely nothing. It has been fabulous. Spent most of my day thinking. Perhaps that's not the best... but it was just what I needed. A day of rest, a respite from life. Add to that a tea date with Kevin, stopping by the gparents house, a nap, another long walk and playing driveway tennis with Kevin... and yeah, today has been lovely.


*This dog. Caught sight of MY headband. While I was doing yoga. In the living room.

*And decided that he had to have my headband for himself. -He definitely tore it off my head-

*Let's just say that he got a taste of his own medicine... I put it around his neck and he got it stuck in his mouth (that is NOT what she said) :p He makes me laugh. SO much.

Truth be told, the only reason I wanted to blog tonight was to share that picture. Good night {heart}