Thursday, March 17, 2011

Who's drawing who?

This past weekend, I had the pleasure of precepting in Labor and Delivery with Joanie. I like her more than she probably knows.

Not long after our shift had started, she began to tell me about the sermon she had heard the day before. The gist of it was this: are we attempting to draw God to ourselves? Or are we allowing God to draw us to Him?

Melt my stinkin heart.

That was just what I needed to hear.

All weekend long, my heart had been grappling with grace. Yes, it is free. No, it is not cheap. It is a gift for all who are willing to accept. It does require you to forsake yourself in the process. A beautiful exchange, it asks for you, just the way you are, broken and splintered into pieces. It offers wholeness in the blood of Jesus, purity, righteousness, lightness. A heavy load for a light burden. The road is no Candy Land, but the adventure of faith is a guarantee.

Last Thursday night marked the end of the Spirit drawing me back to the heart of my Father. Friday morning, I found myself wishing to draw the Father close to me. Resting in His provision, His goodness, His faithfulness was apparently not enough. You see, on Friday, I woke up with the need to "put myself back together again" -- to make myself presentable, somehow worthy of the Father's affection.

I went to bed on Thursday night getting it, only to wake up Friday morning missing it.

What had happened in the span of that time? I had returned to my Pharisee propensity. Blinded by the self-righteous nature that unfortunately plagues many youth who have had the privilege of growing up in Church, I had totally missed it. Starting Friday, I began grappling with grace, yet again.

Crazy glue for the soul, whispered prayers, and grieving heart made for a combination that I thought would certainly draw attention from my Father. Recognition at least, sustained restoration at best. I showed up at work on Monday morning with words from a babe saying just what my soul needed to hear.

Know that it's not about you. Know that there is nothing you can do to deserve, let alone earn, affection, connection, forgiveness from the Father. He does not want you to clean yourself up, to hide the ugliness of your soul in a dark and forbidden closet. He sees your dirtiness and died for it just the same. He desires you as you are -- good, bad, and mostly ugly. Know today that His grave, His grace is enough.

May you rest in the truth that He just wants you to stop. Stop trying. He wants the pleasure of drawing you near, pulling you onto His lap, washing your feet and the dirty, hidden, shameful portions of your soul.

He desires you just as you are and He is enough.

May your game of trying to draw Him near cease and may you surrender to His pursuit of your soul.

Love from Florida, Kel

(ps didn't realize that this shirt was low-cut until now... hello mother. hello father.)

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