No words. Just tears.

Yesterday was great. Started at 5:30 -- after getting only 6 hours of sleep and ended at 1:30 today. 20 hours of studying, conversing with clients, dreaming of Malawi and being treated well, really well. Today, is different.

I've been at this computer now for an hour. Reading a blog of someone who lost their fight with cancer. Tears have plagued my cheeks and a sense of urgency in my heart. Life is short and it is far too short to spend consumed with myself.

Father
May my eyes be fixed on things greater than me. May they be fixed on You. May my heart for others be carried into action and may I go broke, bankrupt with my love, words and actions. I wish to pour out everything in me on those whom You place before me. May I live this life not for myself, but for You. May my love for others come secondary to that. May I be blind to my self, my life, my desires and my I know what sacrificial living is. May I give all of me so that there is nothing left of myself to indulge in. May I be a weeping prophet and may You break my heart for what breaks Yours. May Evan be healed, completely restored.

With a heavy heart and tear stung cheeks,
<3 Your child

Left overs.

Two years ago, I set out to read the entire Bible in a year. I was doing great... until I hit Kings and Chronicles. 2 years later, I have finally (as of 3 nights ago) finished the entire old testament and am happily welcoming on the New one. While reading through the last book of the Old Testament (Malachi) I was convicted. Side note: don't let today pass without reading this book ~ seriously!

Malachi 1 has this to say:
"I have loved you," says the Lord. A Son honors his father, and a servant his master. If then I am a father, where is my honor? And if I am a master, where is my fear? says the Lord of hosts to you, O priests who despise my name. But you say 'How have we despised your name?' By offering polluted food upon my alter. But you say, 'How have we polluted you?' By saying the the Lord's table may be despised. When you offer blind animals in sacrifice, is that not evil? And when you offer those that are lame or sick, is that not evil? Present that to your governor, will he accept you or show you favor? says the Lord of hosts. For far from the rising of the sun to its setting my name will be great among the nations and in every place, incense will be offered to my name, a pure offering. You bring what has been taken by violence or is lame or sick, and this you bring as your offering! Shall I accept that from your hand? says the Lord. Cursed be the cheat who has a male in his flock and vows it, and yet sacrifices to the Lord what is blemished. For I am a great King, says the Lord of hosts, and my name will be feared among nations.

Yeah, like I said... convicted. I left thinking about this: we are no longer bound to the rules of the old testament, there is grace and a NEW COVENANT with Jesus, but the call to sacrifice still remains. No, I'm not implying goats or sheep, our call to sacrifice is much deeper than that. For us, it's life. My question for me is this, my question for you is this: Are we serving God our leftovers? Who are we living for? Surely if we are followers of Jesus, then we are not living this life for ourselves. If then, we as believers, are living every day for ourselves or perhaps more realistically, 23 hours out of every day for ourselves, but offer God a measly hour of prayer and devotion... what then does this say of our faith? What does this say of our offering? Are we sold out? Are we living for ONE THING? Are we feasting in our own lives (devouring time, thought, action and desire as if it were ours in the first place) and giving God what is left?

Surely our Father deserves great honor, and our Master, fear. Is our sacrifice, life, polluted? Are you giving God the best in your life? Am I? Great is our King, holiness is what He deserves, your life is what He desires. Will you cheat him with your offering? Or will you give Him what is pure?

Father,
Great are You and great is Your faithfulness. Help me to be sold out. Help me to give You everything, help my offering to be pure. I wish to see Your true size. May I know how small I am. May I know how insignificant the things of this world truly are, and may my life be a pleasing offering to You. May You help Yourself to the things in my heart, in my head, in my life. May You feast. May I hold nothing back from You and may my offering be acceptable. I wish for You to be my One Thing. The Only Thing that I live for. Help me to know what this looks like, help me to live in accordance with this. You are faithful, oh You are faithful. Thank you for rising and setting the sun. Thank you for sending Jesus to pardon holiness upon me. May I know the weight of His sacrifice and may that be the story of my life as well. Help me to follow You, to pick up my cross, and to lay down my life. May You be my portion from this day on and forever more.

<3 Kel

Worms.

Yesterday was Easter. Yesterday produced some unforgettable memories. Like the 88 egg hunt that my parents put on for Kevin, Ellie (Kev's gf), Austin (Ellie's brother) and I. My mom thought that it would be fun to put a $20 dollar bill in one of the eggs, and let's face it, we liked that idea too. After 87 eggs had been found, we still hadn't found *the one*. It wasn't until we were told that it would cost us something to get it that I started searching IN the pool. Bingo. Foolishly, I yelled "Is it worth it?" tipping off my brother to my discovery, and that was when the real fun began! I have never been the token modest girl. Don't get me wrong, I keep myself covered, but it hasn't always come naturally for me... So here I am, in my purple dress, not wishing to expose myself and scar Ellie's family, gracefully jumping into the pool feet first and starting to swim to the bottom... While low and behold Kevin, thinking it hilarious, decided to dive in and beat me to it. There was a struggle. But he came out the victor. Gah. That was enjoyable.

And here I am. I got a 77% on my test today. Talk about upsetting. I read EVERY chapter, took great notes in class, and starting LAST Monday, I began studying every single lecture. Add to that being quizzed by my wonderful mother all weekend long and one would think that I would have aced the test today. Not so much. I was disappointed. But then I decided that I could be down about it all day, or own up to the C. I chose the later. I gave my best effort, and at the end of the day that's all that matters. If my best effort turns out to be a C, then shout it from the roof top that is something for me to hang my hat on :) In the words of Evan, my fighting friend, "That's worth a celebration!"

Mmk, getting down to the real reason behind this blog (the previous 2 paragraphs were really just me venting). I've been stewing over something the past week. No, not my future (surprisingly) but over worms. You see, I've come to realize that I don't think low enough of myself. Let's be honest, I've never had a problem thinking too high of myself -- I would say that my natural tendency (and no I'm not proud of this) would be towards that of a Pharisee. "Self righteous" isn't just a churchy term to be used in the context of caregroup, for so long, it was the state of my heart. Broken down, it literally means that I believe that in and of myself, I am righteous. If you play out that scenario, then Jesus would never have had to come for me. Growing up in the church though, I knew (mentally) that I needed Jesus, my heart just hadn't experienced that truth. So how does that all work together one might ask?!?! Like this: I will try, I will do my best, I am under the fallacy that my best is good enough, and when it is obvious that I have failed, I will resort to plan B, my backup call, my safety blanket, the life of Jesus, and then repeat.

How whack is that?

That, by the way, isn't currently the way I live life, but growing up in my and in my early teens, it was a way of life for me. So in the past week, in preparation for Easter, I have been challenging my thinking. *Side note: while I'm writing this, I feel like a calvonist. Gasps and shrieks!!!* I don't think quite like that anymore, and I can honestly tell you that I have gone from a head understanding of Jesus to a heart experience, but at times I still find myself making His cross to be cheap. What am I going to do about this one might ask? Pray. That tends to be my answer for most things. But my prayer is this:

Father, would I know my true size. Would I know how small I truly am in comparison to You. May my life be lived with that perspective. May I experience your heart, your utter intolerance, for sin and may I too rebuke it. May I be in awe of Jesus. May I not just know with my head, but experience with my heart the price that He paid for me. Would I see myself as low, like a worm. May my faulty thinking and boastful spirit be gone. May it leave me. In return, may I cling to the cross of Jesus and may it be all that I have. May He be my life line. May I be in awe, and may all else in my life pale in comparison. Help my to know my actual size.

He is Risen indeed. <3

EVERYTHING is spiritual.

6:03 AM, I was pulling through the intersection of 7th street and McDowell when I realized that everything is spiritual. These past 2 days in clinical have been wearing. I've seen people who are so conflicted in life, desperate for the truth and being fed self-help steps to try and improve their life... yet they're still empty. Being discharged on meds, with no change in the heart as one man put it today. Coming in broken, and leaving empty. Stable? Yes. Full? Not quite.

It is so hard for me to sit quietly when I know that the answers they are looking for is one Jesus away. This rotation is tough. People break my heart. I can only imagine how we have broken His.