Monday, April 5, 2010
Yesterday was Easter. Yesterday produced some unforgettable memories. Like the 88 egg hunt that my parents put on for Kevin, Ellie (Kev's gf), Austin (Ellie's brother) and I. My mom thought that it would be fun to put a $20 dollar bill in one of the eggs, and let's face it, we liked that idea too. After 87 eggs had been found, we still hadn't found *the one*. It wasn't until we were told that it would cost us something to get it that I started searching IN the pool. Bingo. Foolishly, I yelled "Is it worth it?" tipping off my brother to my discovery, and that was when the real fun began! I have never been the token modest girl. Don't get me wrong, I keep myself covered, but it hasn't always come naturally for me... So here I am, in my purple dress, not wishing to expose myself and scar Ellie's family, gracefully jumping into the pool feet first and starting to swim to the bottom... While low and behold Kevin, thinking it hilarious, decided to dive in and beat me to it. There was a struggle. But he came out the victor. Gah. That was enjoyable.
And here I am. I got a 77% on my test today. Talk about upsetting. I read EVERY chapter, took great notes in class, and starting LAST Monday, I began studying every single lecture. Add to that being quizzed by my wonderful mother all weekend long and one would think that I would have aced the test today. Not so much. I was disappointed. But then I decided that I could be down about it all day, or own up to the C. I chose the later. I gave my best effort, and at the end of the day that's all that matters. If my best effort turns out to be a C, then shout it from the roof top that is something for me to hang my hat on :) In the words of Evan, my fighting friend, "That's worth a celebration!"
Mmk, getting down to the real reason behind this blog (the previous 2 paragraphs were really just me venting). I've been stewing over something the past week. No, not my future (surprisingly) but over worms. You see, I've come to realize that I don't think low enough of myself. Let's be honest, I've never had a problem thinking too high of myself -- I would say that my natural tendency (and no I'm not proud of this) would be towards that of a Pharisee. "Self righteous" isn't just a churchy term to be used in the context of caregroup, for so long, it was the state of my heart. Broken down, it literally means that I believe that in and of myself, I am righteous. If you play out that scenario, then Jesus would never have had to come for me. Growing up in the church though, I knew (mentally) that I needed Jesus, my heart just hadn't experienced that truth. So how does that all work together one might ask?!?! Like this: I will try, I will do my best, I am under the fallacy that my best is good enough, and when it is obvious that I have failed, I will resort to plan B, my backup call, my safety blanket, the life of Jesus, and then repeat.
How whack is that?
That, by the way, isn't currently the way I live life, but growing up in my and in my early teens, it was a way of life for me. So in the past week, in preparation for Easter, I have been challenging my thinking. *Side note: while I'm writing this, I feel like a calvonist. Gasps and shrieks!!!* I don't think quite like that anymore, and I can honestly tell you that I have gone from a head understanding of Jesus to a heart experience, but at times I still find myself making His cross to be cheap. What am I going to do about this one might ask? Pray. That tends to be my answer for most things. But my prayer is this:
Father, would I know my true size. Would I know how small I truly am in comparison to You. May my life be lived with that perspective. May I experience your heart, your utter intolerance, for sin and may I too rebuke it. May I be in awe of Jesus. May I not just know with my head, but experience with my heart the price that He paid for me. Would I see myself as low, like a worm. May my faulty thinking and boastful spirit be gone. May it leave me. In return, may I cling to the cross of Jesus and may it be all that I have. May He be my life line. May I be in awe, and may all else in my life pale in comparison. Help my to know my actual size.
He is Risen indeed. <3