Saturday, September 25, 2010
I would like to be anywhere but here. Mentally, not physically. Although I would not be opposed to being somewhere, anywhere, else right now. I have a care plan due at 11:59 tonight and have been putting it off for a while now. So, why not put it off a little longer? :)
On Wednesday night, I had another dream. A telling dream, a trying dream. It started off like this...
I owned a piece of property. It was large, there were trees, everything was green. It was the piece of land I'd always wished for. I had a beautiful garden, lush, like the one I have plotted in my mind over and over again during boring classes. I had a family, some super cute kids, there was a guy in the picture, but his entire physique was blurry (the kind of blurry that they use on COPS -- to hide people's identities), so as not to be disclosed. I had a charming house and all was swell. I knew that there was money in the bank, and that I had security, or as much security as one can create for themselves.
Then it came, calm but powerful. A voice, asking "Kelly is this what you want?" In my dream, the tension began. This is everything I've ever thought that I wanted... but now that it is before me, something seemed off, something seemed wrong. And then I replied "This is not what it looks like to be faithful."
The next scene rolled out. As a movie is to be viewed, another picture played before my eyes (though they were closed with heavy slumber). This picture was different. A barren desert, hotter than hatch green chiles from the Farmer's Market, this land was dry. The people were hungry. Starving would be more appropriate. They were desperate for something. Next came illness, the land reeked of disease. This picture ended with a martyr's death.
Heart pounding in fear, the familiar voice came again. Burning, it asked "Kelly, is this what you want?" Shouting to myself I repeated no. This isn't it. This isn't comfortable. This isn't safe. This is scary. Again, I found myself replying "This is what it means to be faithful."
I woke up, my heart still pounding and began to pray: God grow me in faithfulness. I want to be faithful, even if unto death. What is death? Have You not already overcome it? Where oh death is your victory? I stand alive, alive because of the one who faced fear, faced death. Indeed, I am secure; not because of the plush lifestyle I've managed to create, but I am secure because someone, not just anyone, but Jesus Christ who -catch it- died for me. Once and for all, my sins have been forgiven and the chains that once held me have relented. I am free. Free then to follow Him, free to be faithful... even when faithfulness requires my life.
This dream has stuck with me. I process it often. It came only 2 weeks after God put 2 Corinthians 6 on my heart. When I read this a couple of weeks ago, I shared it with my brother and said "Kev, I feel like this is what God has in store for my life." How great is our God?
3We put no stumbling block in anyone's path, so that our ministry will not be discredited. 4Rather, as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: in great endurance; in troubles, hardships and distresses; 5in beatings, imprisonments and riots; in hard work, sleepless nights and hunger; 6in purity, understanding, patience and kindness; in the Holy Spirit and in sincere love; 7in truthful speech and in the power of God; with weapons of righteousness in the right hand and in the left; 8through glory and dishonor, bad report and good report; genuine, yet regarded as impostors; 9known, yet regarded as unknown; dying, and yet we live on; beaten, and yet not killed; 10sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything.