Thursday, September 16, 2010
Not Your will, but mine, Oh Lord…?
This blog will likely depict the most life changing moment I have had in the past year and a half. Let me begin.
I went to church tonight, to pray over the body of Christ as usual, and after corporate prayer, I had the joy of praying with my friend Ashley. Ashley will be in my wedding someday. I REPEAT Ashley will be in my wedding someday. While praying for Ashley, I found myself full of truth from The Spirit, as if the words from my mouth were smoke from a fire, they just came. They came intensely. After our prayer, I began the long drive back to Phoenix. While I was driving, God spoke to my heart. He said “Kelly, those words you prayed over Ashley, they are MY desire for YOUR heart.”
I smiled and thanked Him for making Himself known to me, yet again, and knew instantly what I had to do. You see, I really liked this boy in my life and a year and a half ago, I made the decision (for external and internal reasons) to forcibly remove him from my life. While I was praying tonight that Ashley would seek God’s will for her life, I was convicted. I myself had not been actively seeking God’s will for my relationship with this boy – you see, up to this point in time, I had only ever acted on my own agenda.
For the past year and a half, I have been reluctant to let go. I really cared about this boy. Surely, I had placed him in an unhealthy place in my heart; center stage. For the past year and a half, I have felt the nudge of God on my heart, asking me to let go. Stubborn, I found myself refusing. In the car tonight, I realized that for the past year and a half, I have been giving the enemy EASY VICTORY in my life, and tonight, I realized that enough was enough.
So, I picked up my phone and called him. I’m tempted to feel bad now, because he never knew it was coming… but I started at the beginning; the only rightful place to start. I told him that I had not let him go, I told him that I had not placed him in a good spot in my heart. I told him that my thoughts still orbited around him and that I had been acting on my own feelings. I apologized for living out my own agenda – realizing now, that MY SIN affects MORE than just me (it ripples), I apologized for not seeking God’s will for my life, and our relationship. I asked him for forgiveness for leading him on, I asked him for forgiveness for all of the times I had acted out of selfish ambition, I asked him for forgiveness for not walking in the light of God’s will for our lives.
After talking for a while, we prayed. Once and for all, I prayed that God would take center stage in my heart, the role He rightfully deserves. Irreversibly, I prayed that on the altar of my heart, I would lay this boy down and offer him to God. I prayed that this boy would be a fragrant offering for the Lord God, my creator, my portion. I prayed that my heart would be liberated from the hold of the enemy, and for forgiveness – for every time I had acted on my selfish desires. He forgave me.
We hung up.
I had another phone call to make, this one, humbling. I called my mother. I apologized for all of the damage I had created in our relationship. I asked for forgiveness for all of the walls I had put up, and the destruction I had caused in our lives. Again, I was met with forgiveness.
I tell you the truth, liberation is worth it. I tell you the truth, my heart sings. I tell you the truth, the lightness of my heart is worth every hard phone call.
I thank you for today. I thank you for tonight. I thank you for delivering a round-house-kick to my soul tonight. I thank you for revealing to my spirit that which I have been blind to for the past year and a half. I thank you for the liberation that is felt when we deny ourselves and intentionally follow You. I thank you for Jesus and I pray that His blood would be enough to atone for every selfish decision I’ve made. I pray that I would seek Your will for my life --and my relationships-- all the days of my life. I pray that You would be my all CONSUMING fire. I pray that You would continue to make Your will for my life be known, and that I would walk in Your will all the days of my life. Thank You for enabling me to find You – surely I have sought you whole-heartedly tonight. May You accept the decisions I have made in my heart tonight and may they please You. May I follow You all of my days.
Tonight was remarkable.