Friday, February 18, 2011
This week has been rough. I have felt, all week, like my thoughts are too loud for my head.
I drove to class on Tuesday because I didn't feel like having the patience to wait on Public Transportation. On my way to class, I felt like my thoughts swelled so big they occupied all of the empty space in my car. I have been in a remarkably melancholy mood this week and have had a sour attitude. I have recognized this mentality in myself, starting on Monday, but have had no intrinsic desire to do anything about it.
In the same way, my thoughts have been circling the toilet bowl. Do you ever have weeks where you feel like you're failing? I am not talking about circumstances (Surprisingly, I did remarkably well on my test on Monday... Not a fan of neuro). I mean have you ever felt like you're failing at living? I have woken up most mornings this week thinking "God, why? Why even get up?" I have felt like with each breath I am just failing more and more.
I couldn't really explain the feeling to you if I tried. The previous sentence is about as close as I can get. I'm not writing this, publicizing this on my blog, to get your attention -- I am not fishing for an encouraging word. I know the truth.
The truth is that it's not about me. It's not about what I can do or what I've done; it's about what Jesus has done for me. I get that. The reason I am writing this, is because I want you to know that if you've ever felt this way, you are not alone.
Moving on, at this point in my life, I know when I am avoiding God. I am habitual. If you know me well enough, you will probably know where to find me on Saturday night or even predict what I will order at any given coffee shop. In the same way, I have noticed two themes in my life, when it comes to my relationship with God.
One. I avoid God when I feel ashamed. No explanation needed here.
Two. I avoid Him when there is something else in my life that I am wanting to place on the throne of my heart. I don't even think this needs explaining.
Both are pitiful, I recognize, but are still reality to me. I avoid Him by keeping busy, preoccupying my life, my time, with silly things.
Today, after coming home from a Dr's appointment, I crashed on the carpet in the living room. Desperate, I threw up the arms of my heart in surrender. Hurting and aching in places of my soul that I didn't even know I had, I made the decision to posture myself before God. To stop avoiding. To turn. I read from Matthew 11 and prayed earnestly that I would be rested by God. Prayed that His yoke would manifest in my life, that the weariness in my heart would be removed. Prayed that I would find rest for my soul.
I'm pretty sure my dog didn't know what to do with me. As I was laying there on the floor, one by one, he brought me every toy in his toy box. He would deliver a toy, wag his tail, drop it at my side, and return for another one. I woke up an hour later to a squeaky toy under my back and a dog pouncing on me, thinking I was playing hide and seek with his toy. He's cute.
This post seems down cast. My apologies, my soul isn't there any more. I was writing about my week in my journal tonight and felt like I was supposed to share. Having weeks like this is NOT concerning to me. I believe that these kind of weeks are every bit as real in the life of faith, as weeks of bubbling joy. I do not shy away from the difficult weeks, the crappy weeks, to be frank. They don't scare me. I know that in the end, my soul will relinquish, Christ will be, yet again, the victor and life will go on.
Be encouraged this night, that if you've ever experienced these feelings, you are not alone. If you are avoiding God for one reason or another (be it shame or the desire to be like the Israelites and place something else in the center stage of your heart), I pray that the gracious Spirit of the living God will woo you back to Himself. Know that when you are faced with presence of the living God, whatever you are struggling with today, won't even matter.
Know that you are never too far gone for God's kindness. Know that you are never too dirty to turn and accept His holiness. Know that the shame you have been carrying can be removed, the blood and death and new life of Jesus can set you free -- cause you to feel light again. I speak of these truths, not because of what I've read. Not because of the doctrine I have studied or debates I have won. I speak of these truths because I have experienced them for myself. The LORD God has been gracious in my life; even when I obviously miss the mark, Jesus exceeds. May your soul find hope in Him tonight, the only one capable of making you whole.