Friday, June 5, 2009
For the past week (ever since Sunday -- and especially since my last blog entry), I've been grappling with the idea of living my life with Jesus as my all in all. What does that look like? How do I (daily) make Him the sum of me? My desire is to amount to nothing on my own, but that my sum total would be Jesus. My desire is for Him to be my everything. I feel like He has been my everything, but I want more. I want Him to be more than my everything. Does this make sense?
So yeah, all week long I've been praying "God what should my life look like? How can I infinitely make you my everything? How can You be my entirety every day of my life?" And it wasn't until today that I heard my answer. You see, this week, I've run through my Christian check list... devotions *check* loving others *check* communicate with God through prayer which is possible because of Jesus *check* But I found myself getting caught up in the "actions." At the end of the day, if I don't do any of those, I know that God loves me just the same, and that my status before Him --as righteous-- hasn't changed, but I wouldn't feel like my life had amounted to Him that day. That my day had been wholly for Jesus. I say that I want to abide in Jesus but what does that look like? I say that I want Him to be my life and breath and everything but what does that look like? I'm not desiring to get caught up in actions or rituals, but I just have this burning desire to live completely for Him... and then my head comes out of the clouds and I see that my feet are still here on this earth. Fail. :) How do I live fully for you Jesus while I'm still here?
I was taking a lovely nap today after watching 2 adorable kids, and while I was sleeping the spirit spoke to me. *Think what you wish... but I believe in a God who is alive and through His spirit, active* He told me "Kelly, I am the song that you sing when you're joyful, I am the blood that pumps through your veins every second of the day, I am the smile on your face when you are happy, I am the tears on your cheek when you are sad. You are desiring to labor to put me as your everything, but I already am. I am your life, I am your breath, and I am your everything -- your desire for Me is proof."
Needless to say, I woke up with a smile on my face :) I've realized today, that I don't need to try to put Him as my everything, but that I am called to sacrifice myself, and be willing and eager to have Him be my all in all, and it is His joy to fulfill that desire. My part was giving up all of me, and His part is to supply me with all of Him. How beautiful is that? Seriously, my eyes are filled with tears. God is just so great. Living out my life, through singing, breathing, smiling, crying, loving, is what I am here for, and in the midst of those earthly things, He is my everything. I am not only satisfied in Him, but the cup of my heart is spilling over. Because of Him, I am liberated and comforted. Thanks be to Jesus who paid for me, and saw me as beautiful even when I was stained, and who enables me to live out life with God as my all. I stand in awe.