Monday, May 4, 2009
Ha. Words are funny. Words are essential in communication (which is something I am very fond of :) and they enable the soul to be expressed. Tonight, I feel as if words fail me. The past few weeks of my life have been ________ (word fail). Fill in the blank with: joyous, comical, hurtful, happy, lonely, satisfying, sad, fulfilling, incredible... the list goes on.
Last week, my brother was accepted into the Army. I love him. He is an extension of me -- of my soul. I understand him like none other. Kevin is wonderful. He speaks painful truth to me in a loving manner and can make me smile so big my cheeks hurt(*literally*). We can communicate without words. All this to say, I'm going to miss him. My summer won't be the same without him. Hume won't be the same without him. Trips to CA to see our grandparents definitely won't be the same without him -- there will be no one for me to poke and pester in the car :( -- Essentially, my life won't be the same without him. It will be a lonely and somber place without his corny jokes and his companionship this summer!
Last week also brought on more change in the form of my animals. I have decided that I love to my detriment. :\ My heart gets involved with anything that has a pulse and that opens me up to so much pain. My horses (as you can probably tell from my past blog posts) have brought me so much joy, and have reciprocated the love and affection I have poured into them. Last week, they, along with the goats, found a new home. That killed my heart, but simultaneously I felt (and feel) so much peace. As my grandpa once told me, "Kel it is better to love, and experience hurt, than to close yourself off to love and never know it." Gah. Wisdom at its finest I tell you.
Tomorrow, I'm having my hair chopped off. In two weeks, Kevin is graduating. After graduation, he will be leaving for the Army. After all of that, there will likely be some changes around the home, and I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. I have so much free time now without the horses in my life, and I don't have a "thing" anymore. It used to be the case that if someone asked me what I was into, I'd say horses -- some say music, others say sports, for some it's entertainment, but for me, it was my babies -- now my cover is gone, and I'm exploring new things. Not only am I exploring new things, but I'm doing it solo -- Kev will be busy with his new "thing" aka the Army. Have I made my point yet? Change isn't for that faint of heart (wise words from Briauna Heart) and I'm most definitely receiving my fair share of change.
The truth that comforts me is the knowledge that when all around me crumbles and walks away, I have placed my hope in an everlasting, ever constant, unchanging God, and He loves me. My heart is alive with hope even in the midst of my "Under Construction - Speed Limit 25 mph" life. My heart is at peace. Thank you Jesus for breathing new life into me and for enabling the spirit of God to dwell in me and work through me.
I'll leave you with a quote from the best *stinkin* book ever -- Posers, Fakers, and Wannabes (unmasking the real you). This quote is quickly becoming the anthem of my life: "The highest, most demanding call on my life is becoming like Jesus. It's not just copying what Jesus would do, it's the very life of Jesus flowing in me and through me and out of me because God's Spirit has taken up residence in my heart." How awesome is that? May that be said of me someday when I pass -- that I didn't try to live life well and not screw up so as to just make Jesus look attractive -- but may it be said of me that Jesus lived in me and His spirit worked through me to grab a hold of and administer love to the hearts of others around me. This excites me and brings me great joy. :)
I'm done. Actually no, no I'm not... I just finished book club with grandpa and he told me that he's considering taking me on a trip to Arkansas to go fishing!!! Gah. How exciting!!! Yes, it's just a thought, and I shouldn't get my hopes up, but seriously, how is a girl expected to sleep at night with ravishing thoughts of fishing on a lake, in a cute little boat, with the man she aspires to be like when she grows up sitting right next to her for company? :) Yeah no, my hopes are already up. They win and I'm excited for this summer! I laugh in the face of change. Mwahahahaha. When I am out of my comfort zone and safety net, it would logically follow that I am actively having to rely fully on Jesus. And that, my friends, is well worth the price of change any day :) *Please remind me of those words in a few weeks when my second soul is relocated to Texas and I feel as though change is the enemy!* Okay I'm done rambling! Byes.