Father's daughter.

I am my father's daughter.

Growing up, I can remember times when my dad would talk about losing sleep at night. He would lose sleep not because of stress, but because of questions. "Why?" questions. Tossing and turning, pondering, thinking, processing.

Here it is, 10:40pm, on the eve of my largest test in Nursing School (to date) and I'm stuck in a similar position.

Every time I ate something today, I thought about hunger. Google it, I dare you, and you will find many a fact at your fingertips. Our world is hungry. Our nation is fat, dying premature deaths due to gorging, but that is not the norm for the world. People like me, like you, are going to bed tonight hungry. Every time I ingested food today I thought about this.

Do you ever have days where you skip meals just to remember what being hungry feels like? I recognize that passing on a meal is less than favorably viewed in our culture today, but for me, it serves as a reminder; the great thing about skipping a meal is that I come to appreciate the next meal so much more... What then, do I say, to the fact that those who suffer from chronic hunger don't often have the security of an assured next meal?

Today, I have been grappling with this thought: the world is hungry.

I am sure of this (even though the size of my Nation would trend on the inverse of that). I have seen hunger first hand.

My battle now is not with the "why?" -- Why me? Why am I fortunate enough to have more provisions than anyone could wish for? My problem is the "what?"

What am I going to do with this knowledge? What am I going to do with these statistics that represent real people? What am I capable of doing? What means do I have to contribute?

Tonight will be a long night, for various reasons of course, but I can't stop churning over this.

In the book of James, you'll find this:

What good is it, my brothers, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can that faith save him? If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food, and one of you says to them, “Go in peace, be warmed and filled,” without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is that?... For as the body apart from the spirit is dead, so also faith apart from works is dead.

I want to give. I want to be generous. At the end of my life, I want to be spent... every penny, every word, every action and emotion; not an ounce withheld. I want to love, I want to give, I want to follow Jesus.

Fire.

Jude 1 reads:

"It is these who cause divisions, worldly people, devoid of the Spirit. But you, beloved, build yourselves up in your most holy faith; pray in the Holy Spirit; keep yourselves in the love of God, waiting for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ that leads to eternal life. And have mercy on the those who doubt; save others by snatching them out of the fire; to others show mercy with fear, hating even the garment stained by the flesh."

I read this two nights ago, in my closet, on the floor. Every now and then, I read something, see something, hear something, that so resonates with me. It was as if I was reading this, and it was speaking to my identity, to the deepest part of my soul. I read this two nights ago, and the LORD planted a thought in my mind; a seed that has already begun to take root. The thought was this:

In order to snatch others out of the fire, I must be close to the fire.

I'm not sure how this will manifest in my life, but I am praying the my King will take me there. Jesus, my leader, was not only close to the fire, but willing went into the fire. *Keep in mind that fire is far from comfortable. He willingly endured persecution for me, for you. He willingly died because He was so intent on telling others of the kingdom of God.

I want to be like Jesus. I want to be His follower; not just in life, but death as well. The thought of being near the fire is enough to scare me. The thought of going in the fire is too much for me to process... but I pray that my King will take me there, I pray that in my lifetime I will be placed by the fire, and, if He calls me, in the fire. I pray that His MOST HOLY Spirit would be alive in me, and strong in me -- strong enough to pull others from the licking flames. I pray that He would have His way in my life, and that my mouth would be filled with the joyous news of His kingdom. How great is our God?

Breakfast for dinner.

I'm sitting here sideways, in our large, overstuffed red chair, supposedly studying. Got to love unproductive reading. I had black coffee and Cheerios for dinner and am now ready for bed. Only, not really... I still have, eh 74 pages left to read.

This semester has been fun. Technically, this has only been my 5th day of school, 2nd day of class, but it has been so good. I think that this semester will be my favorite. I am enjoying our Critical Care class and the challenges that accompany it. I love the people that I sit with, the friends that I've made. Some are close enough to call family.

I have learned to navigate the public transportation offered in my fine City, and have enjoyed the company that that entails.

I spend too much time talking, and not enough time listening. I spend too much time being busy, and not enough time being still. I spend too much time being consumed with myself, my thoughts, my future, and not enough time being consumed with the Lord.

my King,
Would you come and consume my life again? May I decrease, and may You increase? Would Your life live me? May I spend my whole day, days, surrendered to You and may You fill me. May my life be vibrant again, full of Your colors. May you always be the King of my heart, the Lord of my life, the God of my people.
Kel

First day.

Today was my first day of Critical Care Clinical. A week of memorable firsts, and lasts. Yesterday was my last, first day of school. I miss it already. I adore the people that I am lucky enough to spend 5 days a week with, and intend on making the most of our last semester together!

Today was wonderful. Today was today. Today was life. It started at 5:30, with 5.5 hours of sleep under my belt. Turned into a mad dash to get ready, and speeding (whoops) all the way to clinical. Good news: I made it there with 15mins to spare!

Today was filled with cardioversion (the Doc actually let me push the charge button that delivered 200 joules of energy to the patient's heart!), stent placements, pacemaker implants, EEGs, reading strips and much fun in the Cardiac Cath Lab.

Today was filled with people, with caring. Most memorable moment: being able to hold a patient's hand as she violently fought against sedation, fearful of pain and the outcome of the procedure. Holding her gripping hands throughout the procedure and having the privilege of waking her up to goods news made me smile. Made me appreciate my profession, and more than that, the joy of the human connection.

Another memorable moment occurred at lunch... I was sitting by myself in the cafeteria, wolfing down my food in attempt to finish in time for the next surgery; when, low and behold, 3 people over the age of 80 came up and asked to join me for lunch. I was pleasantly surprised, and enjoyed their company. They were at the hospital visiting a friend, and our conversations went from butter, to Jesus, and landed on sex. It was rather entertaining, and remarkably productive; not to mention, personal. haha I'm still smiling about that one.

All this to say, today's last, first day of clinical, left me with a smile on my face, even after 12 hours of sore feet and hard work. I look forward to the many more first days this life will bring me. Lord, help me to know your love and experience it, as if each day was the first.

This is it.

The end before the beginning. This is the final paragraph, in the closing chapter. Of what? My childhood I suppose. Typing that sounds silly, but with each day of my last semester, and my impending adulthood, fast approaching; my heart beats faster, stronger, harder than the day before.

This is it. Years of equipping, training, stretching and growing. Like a race horse in the chute, I feel as if the race, the real race, is about to begin. With the fear of failure and disappointment, the whispers of the enemy himself, nipping at my heels, I am propelled forward.

Onward, upward, somewhere. The course has yet to be laid out before me, but regardless of where the path takes me, I need not be afraid. I say that, rather than "I am not afraid" because the latter statement may not always be true in my life, but the first proclamation will not relent.

The Lord is my stronghold.

It's all about Jesus.

My joy in life is to embody this truth; know it, feel it, experience it, allow it to wash over me and thus change. I have many thoughts, and even more unknowns; but of this I am sure: I do not intend to boast in my independence, my strength; to take credit for standing -- for surely a quake would elicit my fall.

My desire is to lean so strongly on the Lord, that I am brought to a point of complete dependence on Him.

Dependence.

This word amuses me. It is a trait that I have spent the better portion of my life avoiding (imagine that); yet I am beginning to recognize that it is the very thing I need the most. To be brought low; to be weak. Yes, even vulnerable.

With the final scene in this story of my life in full production, may it be said of me that the Lord took center stage. And, may I find, forevermore, joy in playing a background role.

Photo update from the past 2 (ish) weeks!

Dress shopping with the lovely Ellie.


Padres and I after landing in New Mexico to visit the hospitable Hromas fam.


Green Chile Stew.

Acoma Pueblo.

Breakfast buddies :)

Lexi! Trip to CA for the New Year.

This much I know:

I am a perpetual dreamer.

Both in the sleeping world, and awake reality.

For every hour I am awake, I could likely provide you with a new dream that I have managed to conjure up.

I love clouds.

If there was ever one innate thing that I could be -- other than a human -- it would be a cloud.

In the Old Testament, it says that the clouds are the dust of His feet. I love that. When I see large, rolling, clouds over my city, I like to think that God is treading over my town; His presence feels near.

In the New Testament, it says that Jesus, the only Son of the LORD God, will be returning by way of a cloud.

You see, clouds are merely an accent in the big picture, but they serve a great purpose and have hefty connotations.

Yes, surely I would be a cloud.

Back to dreaming...

My dreams are like clouds.

Some days they are boisterous; larger than life. They make their presence known and they are grand.

Other days, my dreams are scant; underwhelming.

Regardless of the day that you happen to catch me on, this much remains the same:

I am confident in my belongingness.

I am the Lord's.

In Him I have found security and wholeness, through the blood and atonement of Jesus Christ -- who died so that we might live.

My heart is for the hurting, the broken, the lonely; for the lives that are in painful ruins. The underserved, the poor, the hopeless, the outcast.

Armed with care, compassion and a love that is not my own -- if it were mine, surely it would run out (and quick); when the love in my heart is from the Lord, it is vast and does not run dry within me.

I wish to be used.

To bring solace to the hurting,

hope to those who are deficient of it,

bread of life to the beggar soul,

company for the isolate,

and light to those who are struggling with darkness in their mind and in the hidden corners of their hear.

Lord,

May You use me. I am here and I consider myself at Your disposal. Would You manifest dreams in my heart that will take root and bear much fruit for You? May I never forget the love that You offer, and may it abound on my tongue forevermore.

Continue to bring me to a place of adoration,

Kel

P.S. Today is a day that will go down in the history books... I removed staples from an incision without fainting (or throwing up)!

P.S.S. Here's to my brother love. In 5 months, he will be married!

Kenzie's Wedding

Hellooooo :) It's been a good month since I've shown my blog some love!

Before Christmas, I flew out to Virginia and helped out with my cousin's wedding. I had a blast with my family and appreciated the opportunity to get away and see something new -- something cold and something snowy! So fun.

I think that I have decided that sitting in an airport terminal, all by myself, creates quite possibly the best feeling ever! So exhilarating. Not to mention flying by myself... I loved it. EVERY minute of it. And I even enjoyed making friends with the old people sitting next to me. The man on my flight over to VA left me with this: "Goodbye Kelly. I probably won't ever see you again, but I will never forget your face." I wanted to kiss him on the cheek -- such a dear old man!

Moving on...
Many days were spent cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, prepping, doing school with the boys, polishing silver, hosting tea parties, whooping Lassiter butt in Trouble (Starwars edition), plotting pranks and navigating the streets of DC all by myself!



Kenz getting dressed :) She looked beautiful.

The 3 gremlins the day that I watched them... they all wanted to play on the ice and I nearly had a coronary. It may have been in the teens and twenties all week, but it wasn't nearly cold enough for that!

Grandpa boy love love.

Grammy (I think she was talking... oops)

Annie dearest!



Morning of the wedding :)



Their street

Auntie Margo and I... before we ran the $800.00 worth of wedding groceries through the self-checkout lane! ha!

National Museum of American History. Saw the Flag, Edison's lightbulb and some pretty cool first lady's dresses.

The day I learned that the National Mall was in fact a large patch of grass... not a shopper's paradise. yeah.... Mid-Twenties with 15 mile an hour windchill put it in the single digits!

Holocaust Museum. 4.5 hours of my life.

Their charming house BEFORE the snow :) It's was warm this day... 30's!

Reese boy.

Jessi turned the cat into a platypus with a sock. It takes mad skill.

Bobbisocks and Reese boy. Both are fun to snuggle with.

Did I mention that I love to fly by myself? Sitting in the window seat, looking out the window, thinking about everything and nothing. Chi town on my way home.

Spencer Spooner.

A little bit of lightening...



And a little bit of thunder...



And the coolest family on the block = a darn good time.