A daughter's burried plea.

I may or may not have just written this in my journal...

"I feel like writing in pencil today. It reflects the current state of my life.

Quiet, meek, unsure.

Write it in pencil and surely you can erase your transgressions with little attention drawn to the large catastrophes.

Sometimes I exaggerate, most times I think too much.

Will I ever be able to untangle and neatly wind up the emotions that I have freely spent?

Stinkin emotions; so conflicting. Stinkin heart; why must you be so misleading, but fun? Damn head; you serve your purpose, but can be ruthlessly callous at times.

What is this struggle I find myself in? This innate conflict that separates, divides?

Surely I long for harmony; for unity and peace.

Who will be the victor? Which voice will be triumphant?

Will it be a confident defeat with a standing O? Or will it forever demand a recount?

Does it even matter in the end?

Why must I be so torn?

I long for life, strive for righteousness, and find myself wading through the feces of this world.

Yet, this is my hope: Jesus, my Most High Priest, made a way for me.

These feet are anointed with His MOST HOLY Spirit.

In a beautiful exchange, He brings light into my perpetual darkness, clarity in the midst of my confusion, and hope in my hopeless hang ups.

He bridged the great divide between the daughter with dirty feet and opens arms, and her Father, longing and holy.

No longer distant, this life of mine has been turned upside down; feet scrubbed clean by The Holy One.

Clothed in a robe of righteousness, who I am that I may partake in this wedding feast?

Who am I that I may be seated at The Table?

Praise be to Jesus, the Saviour of sinners."

{heart}
Kel

The world is my oyster... Or is it?

*The 50 that I love*

There is a precious lady in my nursing program. Many, actually. But one in particular is sweet enough to ask me about my plans on a weekly basis. She is married and has a child. She enjoys asking me about my plans, about my next step, because the prospect of being able to go anywhere and do anything is exciting to her. It is exciting to me too.

In the past, she has smiled and said "Girl, the whole world is your oyster". Historically, I have smiled and said something to the affect of "Yeah, I feel that way!"

On Wednesday, I was walking the streets of Phoenix, sleep deprived and mentally drained (and it was only 9:30am), and had a divine revelation.

I don't want the oyster.

I don't want anything that the oyster has to offer.

I want the pearl.

Jesus told a story about that. He said that the kingdom of heaven is like a treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought the field.

Again, He said, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls. When he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it.

This week, I realized what I want. I know what I have to give to get it, but may it be my forever joy to lose myself and gain more of my King.


*Leah, Jessica, Christina, Adrienne, Elena and Sam*

*Andrew and Lisa*

*Sam, Michael, Adrienne, Elena, Mike*

*James!*

*Mike*

*D8: Sam, Andrew, Elena, Adrienne, Michael, Joleen, Carolina and Lisa! <3*

Refocus.

Turn your eyes upon Jesus

Look full in His wonderful face

And the things of earth will grow strangely dim

In the light of His glory and grace.


Just a quick reminder that regardless of what life is throwing your way, when you measure it with the yardstick of eternity with Jesus, it suddenly becomes small. Insignificant, really. May you live in the light of forever!

{heart}
Kel

TN Photo Recap

Psst. Let me tell you a little secret.

It doesn't get better than this.

This feeling inside of me that consumes, that fulfills. This feeling of joy, regardless of circumstances. This feeling of intimacy, greater than what my soul has ever desired but has lacked the words to vocalize.

How did I get here?

Jesus.

I tell you the truth tonight that He loves and He saves and He is the answer. He is always the solution.

9 days ago today, my life was on a very different course. I was bound set determined to go anywhere but here. Somehow, somewhere, someway, sometime -- I was going to get out of Arizona. I felt like the spiritual climate of this State resembled the arid landscape I'm surrounded with -- people were dry, their souls were barred and barren.

I craved a people group full of devote followers of Jesus. People who are passionate, sold out, zealous. I was convinced that they congregated somewhere... they had to; I refused to buy into the thought that I was just being idealistic.

A friend, last fall, had told me that these people do exist -- they were all chilling in Charlotte NC, at a place called Charlotte One. This same friend called me a few weeks ago screaming -- "They're coming to Arizona!!!!!!!!" My response: "whoa there little lady, who's coming to AZ?" "Charlotte One! They're coming to Phoenix. They're starting up in April and you have to come."

8 days ago I went. My skepticism abandoned me at the door -- it was obviously not needed. They were here. The people I had been praying over. A group of 200+ individuals with marked passion for Jesus, together -- in one room, gathered for the purpose of corporate adoration.

6 days ago I received a phone call. An invitation to participate.

4 days ago I had the privilege of spending time with a new group of people. Fun people, serious about this worship stuff. Tickled pink and too proud to want to eat my words, I climbed in the car that night -- after an evening of sharing your story and fro yo and too much fun stuffing new comer packets -- asking God "what are you up to?"

Tonight, I am writing this, nothing short of confused. These past 8 days I feel, genuinely feel like God has given me a basket and said "My daughter, the whole orchard is yours. Pick and eat all that your basket can hold."

I kid you not, my soul is satiated this day. STINKIN full. God's goodness towards me, towards my life, has been obvious. These precious people He has placed on my path have been uplifting, edifying and their zeal has been contagious.

Even now, I am just arriving home from sharing a meal with these people and vulnerable conversation. For those of you who know me, I'm sure you are gasping. The transparency these people use and the trust they have for each other is infectious. It breaks down all strongholds. The night ended with smiles and a time of prayer in the parking lot. Just average people. Average people made HOLY by the blood and death and life of Jesus.

This is it. This is faith. This is what life is about. It is all about loving God and loving others. It cannot get better than this.

{heart}
Kel

My dog must be the spawn of Paula Dean.

He loves butter.

What that has to do with anything... uh, your guess is as good as mine! I made 4 dozen cookies today and he was my company while I baked. He did just fine UNTIL I cracked out the butter -- and then he started salivating and drooling on my foot. I kind of like him. Alot.

I'm sitting here in Phx, drinking green tea, desperately (side note: I still can't spell this word right the first time) needing to knock out some homework. For some reason, my knee-jerk reflex to overwhelming amounts of homework is blogging. You say assignments. I say "hmm what can I share today?!"

On that note, I just can't stop smiling. This whole dependence thing is starting to be enjoyable. I have definitely entered into the realm of the unknown -- for once in my life, I don't know my next step AND I'm okay with that. More than okay. I am well.

Don't get me wrong, I have about 12 steps that I've been planning for, fleshing out, and am ready to take -- I just don't know where my foot will be placed. My focus now is just moving. Running. Forward. Upward. Onward. I think you get the picture.

Last October, I had a dream that after the Spring Break, God's purpose for my life would unfold. I am smiling today because I think I might just have an idea of what that is... but that too isn't in concrete! ha

Mmk, I am babbling at this point. Just feeling light at the moment. SO stinkin excited to see prayers answered (abundantly -- situations turning out better than I could have expected), plans unfolding and passion ensuing.

Great is God. Great is His faithfulness in my life. I wish you were here, sitting across from me. I would tell you tales of His faithfulness and you would be smiling too.

{heart}
Kel



IMPORTANT. Tuesday night. 6:30pm. Downtown Phx. You need to come. You have to join me! phx1.org

Missing it.

Gah! I have been soaking on this song all weekend. And this one too! You simply have to listen to them :) Warning: you will want to dance. It just happens.

Yesterday, while I was at church, I couldn't help but smile when I heard the whisper of the Spirit tell my soul that I'm missing it.

I'm missing it!

We are missing it.

What, you may wonder? Dare I be so crass as to say the point of life? Yes, yes, I dare.

Sitting at the Coffee Shop afterward, catching my journal up to speed on the state of my life, I found myself processing the aforementioned whisper. I found myself asking: "What do you mean? What am I missing?"

Again, it came! This time with greater fervor. "Wake up! You are missing it!"

I scribbled the following down, just as quick as it came to me...

"You are missing the point of life. The point of your life is not to accumulate pleasant experiences, financial security, or safety of person at the expense of being complacent in society, tongue tied when it comes to the truth and unwilling to do the uncomfortable. That is not faith. This is not the purpose of life.

The purpose of life is to lose it --literally, to kill it off-- and to find it abundantly in Jesus. It is to hunger and thirst --not for Mickey D's and Rum & Coke-- but for righteousness; for eternal bread and living water. To be poor, but have it all, satisfied. To be bold, at the cost of being offensive. To be generous and to accept the generous gift of the Good News.

You're missing it Kel, and all it takes to be placed back on track is surrender and trust; trust in the sacrifice of Jesus, that His offering was enough to atone for your falleness. Trust that He will keep His promise and bring you, your life --as messy as it is-- to completion. On THAT day, you will be perfect -- not because of you, but all because of Jesus. Wake up. Don't miss out on this..."

Can you tell that I am smiling right now? If I could, I would crawl through this screen and whisper these words to you too. And then kiss you on the cheek and send you on your merry way.

For the past two years, I have struggled with the notion of the American Dream. I find incongruities between the American Dream and the life Jesus desired for His followers. If we are being honest, how do we justify the lives we, as believers, are living in America?

Help me out. Am I missing something? What do you have to say? What do you think?? If you were to follow the example that Jesus left, would it look like the life -- the American Dream -- that you are currently living?

Great is God, and great is His faithfulness in my life. I don't have answers as to what my future will look like, but I am excited for the Spirit to lead me on this great adventure. The Great Adventure.

{heart}
Kel


(Texting while driving? Naaaa. I take pictures!)


(pre 4.5 mile run)


(I kind of like him)

April showers bring May weeds.

(We ran 4.3 miles yesterday :)

I just woke up from my nap only to realize that I was not alone on my twin mattress. My 100lb dog (who refuses to be little spoon) engulfed the other half of my bed, and the cat (note I do not say "my cat") was sprawled across his face and planted in a pile of my hair.

Today has been lovely. Yesterday was too, actually. I woke up this morning to the sound of rain and have been smiling ever since. Add to that an impromptu mid-morning tea date with Briauna, my heart, and this day just can't get much better. It will though! Just about to leave for church and catching up in my journal.

Over a cup of hot tea today, it was refreshing to express my fears with a dear soul. Insecurities, big life questions, sizable doubts -- you know, all the good stuff. Most of mine revolved around the next 8 weeks of my life. Big crossroads, with even bigger implications. I have always wanted to live up to the meaning of my name, Courage, but am finding that my feet are getting colder and colder the closer I get to D day.

I don't know what will come of my life after graduation. I don't know where I'll end up, or who I'll end up with, but upon waking up from my nap this afternoon, I was reminded of God's word to me from earlier this semester. While driving home from class one day, I was fighting with the earplugs of my heart. I didn't want to pause, to be silent; I was resistant to hear what the Lord God wanted to speak to me. Truth be told, I was afraid of what He would say. Typing this now, I realize how ridiculous I must sound, but this is a reflection of the previous state of my heart.

Finally, I threw my hands up in surrender (not literally, I was on the 202), and after that, the Spirit's voice in my life was loud and clear. He spoke to me and told me that He wanted to bring me to a place of dependence in my life; dependence on Him, especially over the next few months. I smiled, asked for forgiveness and responded: God, take me to that place.

This afternoon, I sprung up out of bed (to a room that is STILL dirty) and smiled, realizing that my apprehension is quite alright... He is merely taking me farther on this road of dependence. He is making me lean, more and more, onto the Father.

While reading through Isaiah this week, I stumbled upon this: You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is set upon you, because he trusts in You.

My King, would you usher me into you courts of peace and may I trust in you always. In the midst of my fears and failures, when I am questioning that which you are leading me through, may I never question Your heart towards me. May I always be aware of your goodness towards me, quick to remember Your gift of grace, Your generous good news. May You sink me deeper into your depths and may I learn that I have nothing to fear. When my spirit is cowardice, would Your spirit empower me. Bring me to that place of dependence O God.


Have you had a time in your life when you were approached with BIG crossroads? If so, I would love to hear about the context and how you made your decision!

{heart}
Kel

Accounts of His faithfulness.

Mmm hello :) I am currently sitting on the front porch, rocking, and enjoying the day. I ought to be studying for my test tomorrow... let's face it, the reality of impending graduation has made studying more difficult!

But I am sitting here, recalling God's faithfulness to me in the past year and a few instances came to mind. I decided to share :)


I woke up one morning, frantic, late for school (imagine that). While I was throwing things in my purse, I realized that I was down to my last piece of gum. I muttered a silly prayer and said "God, I know that it is just gum, but I can't afford another pack. Provide?" When I got home from class that day, I turned the lock to my little house in phx, only to find a pack of gum on my table with a note saying "Happy fall <3 Mrs. Mac" I smiled at God and then ran inside and squeezed her.

This March, I was down to the last page in my journal and prayed "God, it's almost full and I don't have extra money to spend. Provide?" Not a day later, I was in the car, driving with Briauna love, on our way to Casa Grande Mountain when she pulled out a gift bag. She smiled and said that she had picked something up for me, for my birthday. Flustered, I opened it while driving... Yeah, it was a new journal. I'm pretty sure I said "SHUT UP" and then smiled, assured that God hears even my faint pleads.

Last fall, I felt like God was asking me to stop spending money on green tea. Mind you, I am in college, I do not drink coffee to sustain myself through nursing school ;) and I was only buying green tea twice a week -- at the Coffee Shop (a grand total of $6.62 a week -- until they raised their prices to $6.66 a week... hmm just now picking up on that number). Really struggling with this, I decided to be faithful and agreed. One day, I found myself in Gilbert and had 4 hours to kill. Knowing that I was near the Coffee Shop, I drove into their parking lot. I spent twenty - check it, 20 mins parked. In their parking lot. Talking to God. Let's be honest, I was bargaining. My plea was "God, I don't have anywhere else to go. I really need to study. I don't want to loiter AND I want to study here." Still not at peace about buying myself a drink, after 20 mins, I felt like He told me to just go inside. Admitting defeat, I took my wallet and stood in line. With just one lady in front of me, I was shocked when the gal turned around and said "You know, I would like to buy your drink". I'm pretty sure I refrained from kissing her cheek, but I smiled and winked at God, thanking Him for His provision in my life.

Yesterday, I woke up late and decided not to wear makeup for clinical. Running out of the house with a cup of cereal in my hand, I confessed my insecurities to God and said "help me to know that my worth, my beauty is in Jesus -- not makeup". *Side note, I don't like makeup. **Other side note, I don't like acne. But when the latter appears, the former is trumped. Back to the story, feeling very much like I was having a bad face day yesterday, I walked into a patient's room yesterday afternoon to do an assessment. As I was leaning down close, listening to her lungs, the patient smiled at me and said "You are nothing short of beautiful -- even without makeup" I grabbed her hand and squeezed it, thanking her for her generous words and then thanked God, for His kindness towards me -- for removing even the smallest of insecurities in my life.

Oh my, it's 6:11, I need to wrap this up! Mmm, I'll leave you with a good one!

3 years ago, I worked as a Bag Girl for Safeway. I lasted a whole 8 weeks, but while I was there, I was keenly aware that God had a purpose for my presence at that store. It was for one employee in particular -- a guy who worked at the Starbucks counter. I felt God whisper to my soul "Kelly, I have you here for him." Utterly confused as to why, I began to pray. Even though my employment with Safeway was short lived, my prayer for this boy, for his salvation, lasted for a while.

In October, I drove from Phx to Gilbert one Thursday night, arriving at Sun Valley for prayer. Walking up to the building, I saw someone cleaning all of the windows -- undoubtedly serving. As I walked by him, I said hello; recognizing his face, but not able to place it, I went into the classroom. Not a few minutes later, I realized who it was, abruptly got up and ran back to the lobby. Hoping to find him, I soon realized that he was gone. In his place was an older gentleman, also washing windows. I walked up to him and inquired about the guy he had replaced. It was him! I smiled upon hearing his name and asked the man for this guy's story. He finished the conversation by saying that this guy had been searching for something in his life and ended up at Sun Valley one weekend -- it wasn't but a few weeks until he accepted the salvation that only Jesus offers and wanted to participate in serving the church! He decided to join the team that maintains the campus and found himself there, washing windows, on a Thursday night. I'm pretty sure I cried on the way home from prayer that night.

Recalling God's faithfulness in my life tends to have that effect on me. It's not because of my prayers -- my words have no power. It is all because of the goodness of God. It is all because of Jesus. It is all because of His new life in me. Great is God, and great is His faithfulness in my life.

{heart}
Kel

Oh but I can't....

I cannot

.Walk in a straight line.
.Shower without singing.
.Bake without tasting the batter.
.Sleep without my ears being covered.
.Study without cleaning.
.Drink green tea with sugar (yuck).
.Yawn without my glottis making a funny noise.
.Have two productive conversations at once.
.Happily wear makeup more than three times a week.

But I can

.Sing for joy in the Shadow of his wings.
.Cling to him, who upholds me with his right hand.
.Seek him earnestly and thirst for him, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.

And I can love.

I know what I am capable of when it comes to love. I want my love to always be liberating. I know that I do not want my love to be manipulative, contingent on how I am feeling or who I am loving. I want to love recklessly; in the same way Jesus has loved me. It does not make sense, but it can truly set you free.

Someday, I would like to find a person to permanently commit my love to. My greatest challenge yet, I want to accept him right where he's at and let my love abolish his insecurities. Someday, I want to let go and let in and wholly love... Just like Jesus.

Teach me some melodious sonnet,
Sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I’m fixed upon it,
Mount of Thy redeeming love.

Come, my Lord, no longer tarry,
Take my ransomed soul away;
Send thine angels now to carry
Me to realms of endless day.

{heart}
Kel