Saturday, April 9, 2011

April showers bring May weeds.

(We ran 4.3 miles yesterday :)

I just woke up from my nap only to realize that I was not alone on my twin mattress. My 100lb dog (who refuses to be little spoon) engulfed the other half of my bed, and the cat (note I do not say "my cat") was sprawled across his face and planted in a pile of my hair.

Today has been lovely. Yesterday was too, actually. I woke up this morning to the sound of rain and have been smiling ever since. Add to that an impromptu mid-morning tea date with Briauna, my heart, and this day just can't get much better. It will though! Just about to leave for church and catching up in my journal.

Over a cup of hot tea today, it was refreshing to express my fears with a dear soul. Insecurities, big life questions, sizable doubts -- you know, all the good stuff. Most of mine revolved around the next 8 weeks of my life. Big crossroads, with even bigger implications. I have always wanted to live up to the meaning of my name, Courage, but am finding that my feet are getting colder and colder the closer I get to D day.

I don't know what will come of my life after graduation. I don't know where I'll end up, or who I'll end up with, but upon waking up from my nap this afternoon, I was reminded of God's word to me from earlier this semester. While driving home from class one day, I was fighting with the earplugs of my heart. I didn't want to pause, to be silent; I was resistant to hear what the Lord God wanted to speak to me. Truth be told, I was afraid of what He would say. Typing this now, I realize how ridiculous I must sound, but this is a reflection of the previous state of my heart.

Finally, I threw my hands up in surrender (not literally, I was on the 202), and after that, the Spirit's voice in my life was loud and clear. He spoke to me and told me that He wanted to bring me to a place of dependence in my life; dependence on Him, especially over the next few months. I smiled, asked for forgiveness and responded: God, take me to that place.

This afternoon, I sprung up out of bed (to a room that is STILL dirty) and smiled, realizing that my apprehension is quite alright... He is merely taking me farther on this road of dependence. He is making me lean, more and more, onto the Father.

While reading through Isaiah this week, I stumbled upon this: You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is set upon you, because he trusts in You.

My King, would you usher me into you courts of peace and may I trust in you always. In the midst of my fears and failures, when I am questioning that which you are leading me through, may I never question Your heart towards me. May I always be aware of your goodness towards me, quick to remember Your gift of grace, Your generous good news. May You sink me deeper into your depths and may I learn that I have nothing to fear. When my spirit is cowardice, would Your spirit empower me. Bring me to that place of dependence O God.

Have you had a time in your life when you were approached with BIG crossroads? If so, I would love to hear about the context and how you made your decision!


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