Danger

So I'm currently in the kitchen, chopping away at some veggies for a salad. I have a girls night to attend in about 30, but really wanted to blog before I lost track of my thoughts. Come to think of it, I have many thoughts. But I'll start with last weeks realization. It wasn't a thought that I came up with unfortunately, it was definitely dropped into my mind like a stork with a baby after several minutes in prayer. Therefore it was not my thought, but rather the Spirit's that He chose to share with me. Allow me to share!

This past summer, I distinctly remember the Spirit impressing upon the importance of prayer. In specific, I felt like I was called to intercede on behalf of His people. I remember thinking at the time "huh, that's interesting... what does that mean? What would interceding even look like in my life?" A month later, I was at a holy spirit night, praying in a group of close friends. While in prayer, a woman (that I'd never met before) walked up to our group, and asked who in our group attended Arizona State University. I raised my hand, and happened to be the only one out of the group. The lady (still a stranger to me) proceeded to tell me that she felt like I have a calling on my life to be an interceder (those were her words) and that I was called to pray for the lost in my life. I remember walking away from that night and calling my grandpa. Surely if the Spirit of God prompts your heart to move, and it is confirmed by a complete stranger, this must mean I should jump on it... right? But I wasn't even sure how to. Sure, I love praying, and it is an effortless part of my day, but what does interceding look like? 2 weeks after this incident, I happened to grab a cup of coffee with a woman that I have grown to know and love. She is full of wisdom and is sensitive and obedient to the prompt that the Spirit places on her heart. During our time together -- in the middle of a conversation about nursing school, she stopped me mid sentence and said "Kelly, I really feel like God is wanting you to be steadfast in prayer." and she proceeded to recommend the name of a book for me to read. I was astonished, and quickly filled her in on my story. Which brings me to this past Sunday. I have been out of school now for about 2 weeks, and have made a commitment to spend an hour in prayer (be it through writing, drawing, speaking, or being silent)every day. While I was driving to my Phoenix home on Sunday, I was in deep prayer and had a divine realization that I am dangerous.

A surrendered heart at the mercy of her Father, an empty cistern filled with His love, a tool whose purpose is to be used by the craftsman. I am dangerous. In the hands of the one who is ALREADY victorious. Set free from sin, with death no longer holding me back. I am dangerous. I am a threat to the enemy. With victory on my side, and the Spirit of the Victor in me, I can claim enemy territory and actively combat the works of satan in my community, and in my life. My wish is not to live the comfortable American dream, but to live within 10 feet from the gates of hell and offer the hope and salvation of Jesus, the only one who can save, to those who the world would deem good as gone. Alone, I am useless. But with Jesus, all things are possible. My epiphany may seem childish, but my challenge is strong: if God has prompted your heart, or placed a defined call on your life, and you are not living in obedience to that, you are now living within the confines of satan. You are in his grasp, and you are playing his game. His goal is to distract, and direct us -- his Enemy's people -- off course, and to nullify and drown out the Spirit's call in our lives. Empowered by the spirit, and courageous in the world, we as believers are an active threat. My challenge to you, my challenge to myself is this: God is calling, God is moving, God is desiring for His people to be united with Himself. He will not leave us, He promises His spirit to be in us, but He uses our hands -- that are open to him, He uses our hearts -- that are surrendered to Him, He uses our will -- that is yielded to Him, and He uses our feet -- that are at the will of the One who is the way, the truth, and the light. Will you follow?

Lessons learned.

Wow. I'm at the coffee shop :) Sipping on green tea of course, and reflecting on my past semester! I have one week left of my first semester in Nursing School, and I'm kind of in disbelief. What a semester it has been! From moving out, to moving in (with the MacKays), meeting news friends that would soon turn into family (Sam, Lisa, Ginnie...), to discovering and caring for people that are truly diamonds just waiting to be uncovered in the cafeteria of a nursing home. My semester has been wonderful. My stories are long and the memories are precious.

From the homeless shopping-cart-man hiding trinkets on my roof, to wearing nothing but green tights and cardboard on Halloween and pretending I'm a ninja turtle, from using Sam as my needled dart board, to actually giving my first injection into a real patient, from changing on old man's briefs, to curling up in a chair and listening to another one's life story, this semester has been full of firsts. First patient, first time getting attached to a patient and wanting to take them home with me in my scrub pocket. First time living on my own, and hold myself accountable. First time I've had more than 2 cups of coffee in a month, first time without horses to use as my coping mechanism. I'm really just blabbing, but I am wholly content with where I'm at right now in life, and decided to turn that into a blog entry. :)

Great is God, and great is His faithfulness to me. In providing for me, in being my life and breath, in being the one I reflect, and in shining bright enough for others to notice and ask. He has been my portion, my gracious reward. He is my hope and strength, and His love is radical. May my life be spent. May the cup of my heart be emptied daily so that it may be refilled with Him who I adore. His presence is my excitement, His promise is my joy, and His history is my courage. God help me to trust in You. Even when I question the circumstances, may I never question your heart. May I be secure in knowing that your heart is for me. May you delight in me.
<3 Kel

P.S. A few quotes can sum up the semester...

Be prepared, and love. That's how you live with no regrets. ~70 year old man, dying of cancer that shared his life with me for an hour.
Well it seemed like a good idea at the time. ~Kevin
Be froogle with yourself and generous with others. ~Grandpa love
Just dance. It's gonna be okay. ~Brynny
What flourishes under control? What withers under liberating love?

My mind's jibberish...

What do buffet lines, persecution, and pigs have in common? They've all been running through my mind today :)

Thought #1 occurred to me while I was worshiping. What songs we were singing, I haven't a clue. But of this I am sure, God speaks to those who are eager to listen. Worship today wasn't so much an opportunity for me to sing at God, it was an opportunity for me to be quiet and still before Him. In the process of doing so, He revealed a mental picture to me that was quite profound... at least I happen to think so!

The picture was of a buffet line in front of me, and a full plate. Allow me to explain, on my plate I had a vast number of various kinds of things (all good things might I add). My main dish represented God, and then I had several side dishes that each represented something good in my life. Be it relationships, nursing school, caring for and loving on others, encouraging others, serving, my dreams at night, the aspirations and desires of my heart (like working in South Africa); they were all present on my plate, and all complimented the main course. As this picture continued, my plate was cleared of everything but the main course. By this, I felt like God was asking me to stop devoting portions of my time, effort, hope, and energy into these beautiful things, and to focus and devote my everything to Him. He longs to be the only thing I hunger for. He desires to satiate my hunger, and to satisfy me like none other. He wishes to be my portion. He is my gracious reward. The lesson that I learned from this morning (and will likely be re-learning throughout the course of my life) is this: that God doesn't want to be a large part of my meal, He wants to be my everything. In being my everything, all else will fall into place as an outward expression of my inward devotion to Him.

Thought #2 occurred to me this morning right as I was waking up (from an awful dream might I add! :\ ). Have you ever felt homesick? I mean the kind of homesick where you're ready to be done with this life and move onto the next where you'll be securely with your Father, and away from evil and all its remnants? Yah, that was most definitely my weekend this weekend. My prayer was "can I just be with You? Physically? Can You just come down and rescue me? Can you take me far far away from here and can I rest in Your embrace forever more?" This morning I woke up to the radio, and after praying those prayers all day yesterday, and meditating on those thoughts, I woke up to a man talking about the purpose of Jesus. His point was that Jesus' purpose for coming was not to make our load easier, or to rescue us from our circumstances or afflictions. His purpose is to offer us hope in the midst of trails, and perseverance in our times of persecution.

This got me thinking... Jesus never said that following Him would be rainbows and unicorns. He said that following Him would entail picking up a cross and consciously welcoming persecution. He did, however, promise never to leave us or forsake us, and He reconciled us to the one, true, and living God. What joy that put in my heart today! Gone are the days of praying for rescue, and present are the days I'll spend asking for perseverance through suffering, and hope in a world that says we're hopeless. Here are the days when I will be longing for His righteousness and be seen as righteous, even amongst the evil I live in, because of the blood of Jesus washed me clean and redeemed my soul. Then sings my soul, my Savior God, to Thee.
How great Thou art, how great Thou art.

Thought #3 began churning on my way home from visiting my horsey loves. I decided that I am ready to nest. No, not in the typical domestic sense (sorry mom)... I could care less what my house looked like (give me a tent and I'd be quite happy), I'm just ready to start my own farm. I miss not having my horses near, and within convenient kissing range, and I miss playing tag with my goats, and scratching them on the shoulder till their ears went flat, and their eyes glazed over. I also want a puppy (I saw 2 really really cute ones today), a mini burro (and not from Filly B's, I mean a real living, breathing, adorably loving one), a cow -- like the 3 that I adopted down the street (Boots, Bitsy, and HowNow -- she's a brown cow), and I want a baby pig. Not like an ugly pig, but like the 2 cute little Wilbur pigs I saw today at the place where my horses are. They were babies, and were crying for attention (huh animals do that too eh?), and so I went over and they rubbed their snouts on my hand and it tickled. Yeah, I'm ready for a farm. Okay, that's all! I really should have spent this time studying, but I just couldn't resist! <3 Kel

This little light of mine…

Gah what a beautiful day!  I woke up this morning (at 5:30 I’ll have you know) and it has been overcast and drizzling ever since. I’m currently sitting in class and should probably be paying attention, but I can’t focus because I have my *just decided* life theme song stuck in my head.

This little light of mine, I’m going let it SHINE, this little light of mine, I’m going to let it shine. This little light of mine, I’m going to let it SHINE, let it shine, let it Shine, let it SHINE!

God, may I shine for You. May I be like a lantern -- fully transparent and may Your light illuminate my life and be the dawn to this dark world. Father, like a lantern is worthless without a flame, may my soul worth and purpose be You. May you burn bright within my heart, and may it be evident to all who know me that you are my portion, my gracious reward.

Music and Lyrics

It's currently 11:52, and I should be in bed right now. Or studying. But I've had this thought the past week, and want to share it before I forget it. As of late, I've heard many people singing the tune "Lead me to the Cross" by Hillsong United. It's a beautiful song. I adore it. Truly, I do. I guess I've just come to recognize that *trying to restate the obvious, and it isn't quite working for me* there is a difference between music and lyrics.

In the day of Jesus, I highly doubt that you would have seen people walking around singing "Lead me to the Cross." Why? Because a Cross represents death. Agonizingly, afflicted, labored, struggling death. The lyrics to Brooke Fraser's song are as follows:

Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Lead me, lead me to the cross

I believe the reason I'm finding myself annoyed is because of this: if everyone who sang this song, lived lives like this -- lives where their daily plead was God take me. Hang myself, my desires, my passions, my sins, my boasts, my life, my everything -- kill me, so that I might be alive in You. If people started living lives that reflected the lyrics to the songs they sing, I think our world would have a totally different view on followers of Jesus.

Maybe to the world, voluntary surrender and intentional death of self sounds like a preposterous idea, but if the Spirit of God came into our lives and filled us in the places that we are currently occupying, I think the world would want to know -- to know and encounter this same Spirit. They would want to experience the Spirit that is the source for our endless mercy and love -- which would be our natural expression from dwelling with the Holy One.

To experience the love of a Father so deep that nothing can separate us from it. To rendezvous with the one that will never leave us, nor forsake us -- the One who will never break our fragile hearts or hurt us. The One who rejoices over mending our mangled self, and playing the role of the lover in the stories of our lives. Maybe, the reason I'm having such a hard time with this is because as Heirs of His throne, why is it that we look so much like the Heirs of this world? Maybe it's about time we, as followers, actually reflected the One we are following.

May it be said of us that we willingly welcomed the end of ourselves -- that in partaking of His death we might have new life. May the Spirit of God, which is promised to those who believe, be heavy in your life, and live your life through you. May we be His ambassadors, and resemble our true calling in life -- sons and daughters of the King who adores us. How great the Father's love for us! How vast -- beyond all measure! That He should give His only son, to make this wretch His treasure. May you know your value in His eyes, and may all of you be all for Him.

Follow the Yellow Brick Road...

Have you ever been at a place in your life when you've tasted the fruit of something so sweet that you never want to go back to what you had before? Have you ever seen something so beautiful tears well up in your eyes? Have you ever experienced something so amazing that you would give anything -ANYTHING- to keep it?

I guess this is where I currently find myself. I've tasted the fruit of my Father, and I never want to go back. I'm done living for me. I'm done building for my own kingdom. I'm done holding expectations for my day, my future, my life. Every morning, I see His beauty in the clouds, and every afternoon, I see His beauty in the sunset... and yet I, we, are the apples of His eye. We are what He is most captivated with. Isn't that a revolutionary thought? That our Creator delights in His creation, and wants to know us in the most intimate way.

This summer, my theme has been to live wholly for God. Yes, I have been a "believer" for quite sometime now, but I would say that I have only been a "follower" of God for about a year. What does it mean to follow? Contrary to some rationale, it's not as simple as following the yellow brick road. The way I see it, following means surrender. Surrendering your life, your wishes, your possessions, your expectations, basically yourself, for Jesus. I believe that I became a follower of Jesus the moment I gave up every part of me. The other part of following is knowing who you are following. You see, I used to be concerned with where "following" would take me, but this summer I learned that it's not so much about knowing where I'm going, but encountering the One who is leading me. Throughout this summer, I've experienced God in an intimate way. An experience that taught me that there is nothing on this earth that is worth more to me, than what I have waiting for me when I draw my last breath. It is then that I will have the privilege of being with my Father in an unadulterated way. This summer I saw His beauty, I tasted His grace, I felt His love, and I have rested secure in His embrace. After tasting such wonderful things, seeing such beautiful sights, and feeling, I made the decision to follow Him.

Since then, my prayers have been simple. Simple to say, yes; simple to live, hardly.

Here's my life God, would it be Yours. With it, may I live radically for you, and would You use me to shine bright with hope in a hopeless world. Here are my dreams, they are Yours too. Would You take them far from me, and may I be dependent on You for my future. May I rest assure knowing that the adventure You have planned for me will be far greater than any will or aspiration I could have mustered on my own. Here's my heart God, would You break it for those that break Yours. Would You supply me with the kind of love that You have for Your creation, and would I lather it on those You put in my life. Here are my hands, would You use them to deliver care to those who are hurting, and those who are needy. Would You use them to deliver compassion, and a tender embrace. My lips are for You too. Would You use them to uplift and encourage. Would You supply them with special words and care, and would my speech bring You much glory. May my life bring you much glory. Father, here is all of me. It's all for You.

It's just that simple. I'm done living my life. May it be said of me, that my whole life amounted to Jesus, and would that be enough. This is me. This is where I'm at. I'm passionate about one thing, I desire one thing, and I won't stop until the day that my faith shall be my eyes. The anticipated day when I meet my Father face to face. You died for me, so I'll live for You. *Kel

Summer time summary :)

Hello :) It has been quite sometime since I've been able to sit down and blog, and I can't think of a better way to spend a Sunday afternoon than typing out the details of my life for all to see! Mmk, so here is a super quick run down of where I've been and what I've done since my last blog post. Are you ready for this? na na na na

1) I visited my dear friend Julie Farrell in the beautiful mountains of Ramah New Mexico. During my week with her there, I read, rode horses, rode quads, went for long walks, and trained her adorable mini pony (Cody) how to pull a cart! It was a wonderful week!

2) A week after that, I had a cavity filled (ew ew). I then proceeded to bite a nasty, bloody, hole into the side of my cheek... apparently that numbing stuff does wonders! I was biting my cheek and didn't even know it until the blood came pouring down.

3) A few days after that lovely experience, I flew out to San Jose, CA to meet up with my brother and grandpa! We left from San Jose on Saturday, August 1st. Our road trip took us through Northern California, up on the West side of the Cascades in Oregon, to Seattle (I definitely rode up to the top of the space needle :)). And from there, we drove up to Vancouver, over to Banff -which is literally the most breath taking place I've ever ever ever been! Seriously, seriously (check out the picture! It would make for the most adorable romantic getaway! No joke guys, I'm being serious!!! Ah ha) - then down to Montana, where we went white water rafting, and I jumped out of the boat into glacier run off (52 degrees) just because I could... :) Then we traveled through Idaho, where we met up with our beautiful WA family, over further West to Wenatchee (apple capitol of the world), down the East side of the Cascades, through Crater lake (OR), and back down to San Jose. It was the trip of a lifetime, and I have a whole blog written up about the life lessons I learned on the open road... really, they were just lessons learned from grandpa!

4) After flying home on the 10th, my mom, brother and I worked like crazy people to pull together the finishing details for my dad's surprise party. Needless to say, things went off without a hitch on August 12th, and he was delightfully surprised, and surrounded by his favorite Buzzard Bait guys!

5) I then enjoyed one last week of freedom before... get it: I started NURSING SCHOOL! woot woot :) I have already finished 2 weeks, and it has been amazing! So, so fun and absolutely thrilling!

And that brings me to where I am today. These were the events that have happened since my last blog post, but the affect of these experiences on my heart is a totally different story (one for my next blog posting)! So for the sake of your eyes, I'll end this blog here (if I wrote everything I want to say, I'd be exceeding a few dozen pages... so I'm trying to think in baby steps). If you get nothing else from my blog, get this... life is a grand adventure, and I wholly believe that's the way God intended it to be :) Peace and love because of Jesus, <3 Kel
P.S. The next blog will come tomorrow... details of the heart will be my topic ;)

Fire

I woke up this morning to a song I had never heard before. After listening to it, I couldn't stop smiling. This is the prayer of my heart!


*Britt Nicole* {Set the World on Fire}
I wanna set the world on fire
Until it's burning bright for You
It's everything that I desire
Can I be the one You use?

I am small but
You are big enough
I am weak but
You are strong enough to
Take my dreams
Come and give them wings
Lord with You
Nothing I can not do

I wanna feed the hungry children
And reach across the farthest land
And tell the broken there is healing
And mercy in the Father's hands

Take my dreams
Come and give them wings
Lord with You
Nothing I cannot do

My hands my feet
My everything
My life, my love Lord, use me

I wanna set the world on fire
Take my dreams
Come and give them wings
Lord with You
Nothing I cannot do

I'm gonna set the world on fire

May it be said of me that He used me to set the world on fire. Love, Kel

White Picket Fences...

Hewwo! :) I'm back! The past few weeks have been slightly crazy, but definitely awesome! 10 days ago I left for the gorgeousness of Southern Cal. It was great to see my brother and spend time with the rest of my fam. We made some great memories and had some awesome conversations... but enough with the small details already!

Every year, since I was little, my family has vacationed at a place called Hume Lake. Hume is my happy place. It is most definitely my favorite spot in the whole wide world (I'm not even kidding!). For the past 4 years, I've had the privilege of attending a leadership camp at the top of Hume called Wildwood. Year after year, Wildwood has acted as a catalyst in my relationship with Jesus. This year has been no exception! A few weeks before Wildwood, I felt the spirit of God impress on my heart that I am called to so much more. For the past few weeks, I kept asking the question "God what do you mean?" I'm called to so much more than what? This week, He answered me! I'm still not exactly sure what he has called me to, but I know what he hasn't called me to... Let me explain :)

During my time at Wildwood, I met a guy by the name of Gerhard. Gerhard is from South Africa, and loves Jesus. He is a man that has devoted His entire life to Jesus, and his life depicts servant leadership. Gerhard started an organization called Jabulani Africa Ministries (also known as JAM), a ministry that is devoted to sharing the love of Jesus with those who don't yet know Him. It is a ministry that strives to see the African Nation rise up and worship our Savior and Redeemer. This ministry goes out into local villages and shows compassion and generosity to less fortunate people. Gerhard and his team tenderly care for the broken and hurting people of his nation. After hearing Gerhard talk with such passion about what God is doing through him in Africa, and after having the opportunity to talk and pray with Gerhard, I realized that I am called to so much more than this. I am called to so much more than the "American Dream".

As a follower of Jesus, I believe that I am called to more than financial security, and my dream house -- white picket fence included. I believe that I am called to more than my dream job, with my dream salary -- called to more than a luxurious life filled with frivolous things. I don't wish to live life for myself. Sure, God isn't calling everyone to go to a different continent and do His work there, but as Americans, I really believe that we are so caught up in our own personal comfort that we overlook the needs of our brother and sisters in different countries.

In Matthew 22, A lawyer and Pharisee asks Jesus "Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?" Jesus said to him, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself." Speaking from my own life, I live in abundance, and in doing so, I'm not really a living testimony of loving my less-fortunate neighbor as myself. So, I'm not exactly sure what God is calling me to do, but I truly feel like he's calling me to more than a white picket fence existence. I so desire to give up my own complacency and to truly pick up my cross and follow Jesus -- to sacrifice my physical body, my socioeconomic status, my comfort and security to see the love of Jesus spread to those who have yet to be effected by it. My challenge to you would be this: Are you confusing the "American Dream" with God's best for your life?

Father,
I adore you. I offer you my life. Here am I, Lord send me! Would I not be content with living for myself, may you stretch me and use me to bring you glory. Father, may I do hard things for you, and may I love others as much as I love myself. May I be generous with what I have, and even more generous with the joy and compassion you have placed in me. May I be wholly surrendered to You, and may you use me in powerful ways. May I be a mighty woman full of You, defined by You, and dependant on You.
I adore You.
Amen

Ha life :)

I should be doing other things right about now... like freezing grapes, picking up Sydney, and prepping to see Kevin. But first, I think I should blog. Sorry Syd! I'll be a few mins late... Shocking I know :)

3 Quick things:

1) I have made a new friend this week. Meeting new people, and starting new friendships is the thing I find the most joy in. I so adore hearing peoples' stories, and learning new life lessons. This week, I made a new friend that is worth mentioning. Her name is Marion, and she is 93 years old (although she wouldn't tell me... her neighbor ratted her out :). I have spent two lovely lunch dates with Marion this week. Marion is a sugary sweet woman from New York, with definite East Coast spice. She is passionate about cross word puzzles, crocheting, folding her pizza, playing bingo, and telling jokes. She offers valuable wisdom and enjoys instructing me on how to learn from her mistakes. Twice in the past week, she has taken me to lunch -- rather, I have taken her, and she has generously paid. We laugh frequently and talk about her bunions :) ha! Marion is well read, up to date on newly released movies (she frequents the theaters once a week), cognitively sharp, witty, and rather quick on her feet -- for her age that is. I adore Marion, and someday I'll have to make a blog out of the wisdom she has offered me. What a blessing she has been to my life! I look forward to learning more lessons from her over lunch.

2) My dad and I had a conversation this weekend that inspired me. He said to me on Saturday "Kelly, I hope that someday you will find a man with a plan." His reason for saying that was this... "A man with a plan is going somewhere. It might be the wrong plan, but at least you'll be moving. A man without a plan for his life is standing still. Stagnant. Really, he's just a boy who doesn't know what he wants to be when he grows up." I laughed, and then asked dad what his "plan" was/is for life. Burrrn! I struck a cord in him to say the least. :D Oh well, he'll have to make his own blog for that answer... But his question made me think about my own plan for life -- granted my plan will hopefully change someday -- that is if I meet a guy -- and Lord willing I will adjust to and adhere to his plan. But for now, I think my plan looks something like this (in no particular order):

a) Nursing School
b) Love on and care for those who have been placed in my life for a reason
c) Graduate (Okay perhaps this needs to come after "a" :p)
d) Find a church to call home and invest in the body
e) Find a job and get a place of my own
f) Have the kind of home that is open -- where others can come, to seek encouragement and refuge
g) Find a guy who adores Jesus above all else and thinks that I'd make a decent #2

All of the above plans are mere ideas... In reality, I just want the Spirit that was in Jesus to be active in my life. I do not limit Him to these plans, rather I wish to wholly dwell in Him. May He make something beautiful with me. I guess these plans are more like loosely held guidelines. Oh well, so much for that exercise! Isn't the future exciting? What a grand adventure it is to follow Jesus!

3) My last random babble is this: I wish to be like a cloud. I was walking this week, and for quite sometime now, I have had a fascination with clouds. Not the ugly, thin, wispy ones, but the thick, large, puffy ones. My prayer as I was walking was God may I be like the big clouds. May I be beautiful and strong, may I not be spread thin (like the ugly ones) and may I provide shade and protection from those who are burning. May I be bold in the vast blue sky of life and may I go where you would call me. Yeah, Lord may I be a cloud that is at your mercy. May I be surrendered, and may you do something beautiful with me.

Okaay I'm done... Wait no. May you also be like a cloud. :) For a time, may we congregate together, may our clouds meet, but may we all gain courage to follow where He leads us! I hope you have a wonderful week and I hope you know that you are adored. You are something so special. You are a child of the King.

Home-sick. Home-stretch.

As of late, I have been home-sick. I have come to the conclusion that this world does not hold my soul. Nor my mind, nor my heart. They are in a different place, they are with Jesus. And I'm finding myself frustrated at my feet -- they are still here, still present on this earth -- The only thing left of me that is present on this earth.

I've been thinking lately about hope. I've found myself placing hope in people -- which is just plain silly. People will let you down. People will hurt you. Like it or not, I will, someday, hurt you. I apologize now. I will likely say something stupid (that happens a lot -- it's kind of a dominant gene in the Lassiter gene pool), or do something stupid that will cut. Like I said, I am so sorry. I truly apologize. Thinking of that, makes my heart hurt and an offense hasn't even been charged. Today, I realized that hope in humans is disappointing, but that hope in Jesus is life. I have placed my hope in the one who will not let me down. In the one who holds my heart, and treats it with care -- He knows its fragile state. He continues to exceed my expectations, and he will never ever hurt me. I am safe in Him, and more than that, I have life in my being because of Him. Him who loves me. That is pretty powerful, and makes me long to be with Him even more.

On Saturday, I was thinking about the privilege of worship. I, as a mere creation, am able to sing praises to my creator. To thank Him, and bestow on Him honor and glory and surrender. Beautiful surrender in return for His spirit -- my life. What an honor! It made me think of playdough. Many a times I have made stick figured humans out of that colorful goop. How cool would it be if that (my creation) in turn saw its true beauty, and value in the one who created it? Worshiping God -- thanking Him for making me beautiful, for seeing me as beautiful, for revealing to my heart its true beauty -- is a really amazing experience. The word amazing just isn't enough.

I am ready. So ready to be with Jesus, to bestow praise to Him endlessly. My song of praise for Him has been started on this earth, but will only intensify when I leave. When I am gone, I will join a mighty chorus singing Holy Holy Holy is the Lord God almighty, who was and is and is to come. Not only will I have the privilege of washing His feet, but as His child, I cannot wait to climb on His lap and have Him hold me. To be securely embraced by Him -- the only one who holds my heart -- this is what I am waiting for, and everything else pales in comparison to that. Today, I realized that I am in the home-stretch. I am just counting down the time until my happily ever after -- the ending to my love story where tears and hurt will not follow. The ending where I will be restored to my creator and be wholly complete in Him. This gives me hope. This is worthy of hope. He is worthy of hope. He raised the sun for you this morning. He raised His Son for you 2000 years ago. That's more than any friend or lover ever could accomplish.

May you stop placing hope in things that will hurt you -- in people that will let you down, and may you find you hope in your creator. May you be empowered by His spirit during this beautiful countdown of time and may you find others to join in your song of praise. May you seek out those who currently aren't promised a happily ever after, and may you let the light of Jesus shine and catch heart in their hearts. May you bring others home with you, and may we all join in unison with a song of sweet adoration for Jesus. Headed onward, headed homeward. Will you join me?

Never ever ever....

This morning, before I cracked open Isaiah, I had a few thoughts running through my head. I started forming a mental "I've never list" So, I decided to jot them down for you to read :) I hope you are as entertained as I was! My hope is to cross off all of the things on this list (except for #13) and to make some awesome memories in the process :)

I've never:

1) Gone backpacking

2) Gone on a mission trip

3) Saved someone's life

4) Owned a cow (I'm really excited to cross this one off!)

5) Seen New York

6) Been on a cross country road trip

7) Been overseas

8) Seen the play Wicked

9) Been snowboarding

10) Been on a "real" date with a guy

11) Been in a wedding

12) Pulled an all nighter

13) Broken a bone

14) Said I love you without meaning it (I don't wish to cross this one off either...)

15) Been baptized in the Holy Spirit

16) Been Bungee jumping

17) Read the newspaper all the way through

18) Taken dancing lessons

19) Been kissed (and no, Chad Morris doesn't count, I was 3)

20) Run more than 3 miles

21) Cried while watching a chick flick (I suppose I should cross this one off sometime just to affirm the fact that I am indeed a female :p)

22) Read through the entire Bible

23) Laughed so hard that I've lost control of my bladder

24) Planted and cultivated my own successful garden

25) Changed a tire

That's about all I can think of :) I hope you enjoyed a small snipit into my little life and maybe we can make some of these memories together! Otay, I'm off... time to hike :D

Response

For the past week (ever since Sunday -- and especially since my last blog entry), I've been grappling with the idea of living my life with Jesus as my all in all. What does that look like? How do I (daily) make Him the sum of me? My desire is to amount to nothing on my own, but that my sum total would be Jesus. My desire is for Him to be my everything. I feel like He has been my everything, but I want more. I want Him to be more than my everything. Does this make sense?

So yeah, all week long I've been praying "God what should my life look like? How can I infinitely make you my everything? How can You be my entirety every day of my life?" And it wasn't until today that I heard my answer. You see, this week, I've run through my Christian check list... devotions *check* loving others *check* communicate with God through prayer which is possible because of Jesus *check* But I found myself getting caught up in the "actions." At the end of the day, if I don't do any of those, I know that God loves me just the same, and that my status before Him --as righteous-- hasn't changed, but I wouldn't feel like my life had amounted to Him that day. That my day had been wholly for Jesus. I say that I want to abide in Jesus but what does that look like? I say that I want Him to be my life and breath and everything but what does that look like? I'm not desiring to get caught up in actions or rituals, but I just have this burning desire to live completely for Him... and then my head comes out of the clouds and I see that my feet are still here on this earth. Fail. :) How do I live fully for you Jesus while I'm still here?

I was taking a lovely nap today after watching 2 adorable kids, and while I was sleeping the spirit spoke to me. *Think what you wish... but I believe in a God who is alive and through His spirit, active* He told me "Kelly, I am the song that you sing when you're joyful, I am the blood that pumps through your veins every second of the day, I am the smile on your face when you are happy, I am the tears on your cheek when you are sad. You are desiring to labor to put me as your everything, but I already am. I am your life, I am your breath, and I am your everything -- your desire for Me is proof."

Needless to say, I woke up with a smile on my face :) I've realized today, that I don't need to try to put Him as my everything, but that I am called to sacrifice myself, and be willing and eager to have Him be my all in all, and it is His joy to fulfill that desire. My part was giving up all of me, and His part is to supply me with all of Him. How beautiful is that? Seriously, my eyes are filled with tears. God is just so great. Living out my life, through singing, breathing, smiling, crying, loving, is what I am here for, and in the midst of those earthly things, He is my everything. I am not only satisfied in Him, but the cup of my heart is spilling over. Because of Him, I am liberated and comforted. Thanks be to Jesus who paid for me, and saw me as beautiful even when I was stained, and who enables me to live out life with God as my all. I stand in awe.

All: wholly, entirely, completely.

Hii! I just got back from swimming and I'm soaking wet :) Oh, and I just ate some chips too. While I was munching, I began reflecting on this past weekend, and I decided to share my thoughts with whoever cares to read them :) On Sunday, I attended a new church for the second week in a row now. This church is vastly different from the church I am coming from, but enjoyable nevertheless! During worship on Sunday, the band played a song called "Jesus paid it all". The lyrics go like this...

I hear the Savior say,
Thy strength indeed is small;
Child of weakness, watch and pray,
Find in Me thine all in all

Jesus paid it all,
All to Him I owe;
Sin had left a crimson stain,
He washed it white as snow

And now complete in Him,
My robe, His righteousness,
Close sheltered ’neath His side,
I am divinely blest

Lord, now indeed I find
Thy pow’r, and Thine alone,
Can change the leper’s spots
And melt the heart of stone

And when before the throne
I stand in Him complete,
I’ll lay my trophies down,
All down at Jesus’ feet

I love this song. Really, seriously, love this song. During worship on Sunday, I was singing this song and felt the Spirit of God asking me "Child of weakness, do you find in me thine all and all?" Guilty, I stood before Him quiet and still. Reflecting on my life, it occurred to me that I haven't been finding my all in all in Him.

Lately, I've been finding *most* of my life -my identity, my purpose- in Him, but when it came to little things like my future, the desires of my heart, my dreams and aspirations, I was still placing part of me in those uncertain things. This realization grieved me. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that, in recent life, Jesus hasn't been my last thought before I fall into slumber, He hasn't been my first thought when I roll out of bed, and he's only occupied a small portion of my thoughts in between. How tragic is that?

Jesus paid it all, for me. I am now complete in Him, and I can proudly wear His righteousness. My status as righteous in God's eyes is not because of my own merits, but because of Jesus'. He came and illustrated His love for me, through the sacrifice of His life, and in return I'm giving Him my leftovers?! I'm serving leftovers to a holy God. What is wrong with me? After surrendering all other distractions in my life during worship on Sunday, God grabbed a hold of my heart yet again and spoke to me saying "Child, again your eyes are fixed on me. My desire is to be your all in all." And since then, He has been. I am not only content, but satisfied with allowing Him to be my everything. At the end of the day, everything around me can burn and fade to dust, and with this, lose it's value, but I want my life -- my sum total -- to be Jesus. May He not only be my portion but my everything. May all that I am, amount to Him.

May you come to relinquish control of the things in your life that you hold dear. May God not be another item, that is high on your "love list" (next to your family, or work, or tacos) but may He have center stage in your heart and may everything else in your life lose its value compared to Him. May He complete you, and may your eyes, and your heart be wholly focused on Him. All to Him I owe <3 Kel

Twisted

So, much has happened in the past few days! On Wednesday, I drove up to Peoria (all by myself) and helped some dear family friends prepare for a Church (plant) BBQ. I had an awesome time getting to know this family, and hearing all about their aspirations and dreams for the church they are planting! The BBQ was amazing and I met some really beautiful people. The highlight of my evening was meeting Sarah. Upon first meeting Sarah, my heart instantly beat with love for her. After talking with Sarah for just a short while, it was so evident to me that Jesus is her life, and breath and everything. She burns with zeal for her creator and father. What an inspiration she is to me!

So... after spending a lovely 2 days up in Peoria, I decided to make the long haul back to the valley. Ha! I left at 9 (pm) with the intentions of taking the 101 all the way back home. After taking the 101 North, I began heading Eastbound. It was here that the problems began!

On the Eastbound 101, there was an awful crash and I was in bumper to bumper traffic. Oh, and did I mention that the next off ramp was 3 miles away? Yah. Fail! So I called my friends (the ones I had been staying with in Peoria) and asked for directions. The accident was so severe that they had all traffic exit the freeway on 7th Ave. I was freaking out -- mainly because I didn't have my bearings and because it was dark... but we plotted out a way for me to find the 51, and take it through Phoenix and end up near the 101/202 area!

So, after a minor snag in my plan, and 30 mins of sitting relatively still, I finally found the 51 and headed Southbound. After staying on that for a while (and having a dumb camera flash at me -- I was going to speed limit too! Tardfoo!), I decided that I wanted to get off on the N. 202 heading Eastbound. Ha! Oh man oh man.

After exiting the 51, and hopping onto what I thought was the 202, I realized that I was completely lost. Like -legitimately- LOST. Oops! It was dark (so I couldn't identify any mountains), and after going through so many twists and turns I couldn't figure out what direction I was headed in. Oh and did I mention that I didn't even recognize the street names? Weird. I was freaking out! I contemplated getting off of whatever the heck I was on and driving around for a while to get my bearings, but then I decided against that... Someone could have eaten me. Ew no. After sticking it out a while longer, I began approaching Tempe Town Marketplace! Woohoo!!! *I thought to myself* the 202 is on the North side of TTM and runs parallel to it. Now if I could just find a way to get on the 202, I know that I can find my way home...

After another min of driving, it occurred to me that I was on the North side of TTM and running parallel to it. Tada! It hit me *I was on the 202* :D Ha! I was proud! And I stopped shaking. What an adventure I thought to myself afterwards! All this to say, I think that my trip home can adequately illustrate my walk with Jesus. There are times in my spiritual life when everything around me is dark. My eyes become focused on the task at hand, tunnel vision sets in, and fear sinks in later. Often times, I'm not sure which way is up, or where I am heading -- I frequently find myself unsure of where I'm going. Other times, I feel like I'm at a standstill -- as if I'm caught up in a traffic jam. The light that gets me through, my hope in hard times, is the knowledge that Jesus is faithful to direct my next step. Right when I feel like giving up, stepping away from this hard and sometimes confusing and dark path, He shows me a sign and confirms in my heart -- as well as my mind -- that I am right where He wants me to be. I'm merely following His will for me, and the direction in which I am headed will always be homeward bound.

My encouragement to you would be this: Jesus loves you and wants you to abide fully in Him. Do not be anxious, cast aside your fear and rebuke your will. Keep trudging along, and He will illuminate your path. Devote yourself to Him, and He will lead you home. May you find rest in knowing that you are not alone on the freeway, but that there are others here beside you, in both the slow lanes and the fast. May you comfort yourself in the truth that Jesus will protect you, and that the spirit will direct your journey, and that at the end of the day, you will have experienced another day of adventure in your travels of life.

And so it goes...

Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so.

That is slightly profound. The truth in those words have recently resonated in my heart and give me great joy. In the past week, I have been fretting over things in my life, and today I was reminded of God's faithfulness to me. He rose the sun. Think about it... Every day, the sun rises and sets. Do I need to pray and beg God to rise it every morning? No. If I (hypothetically speaking) forgot to pray and ask Him to rise the sun, would He forget? No. His faithfulness is great to me. He knows my needs before I ever ask of them, and He does not forget me. He cares for me, and out of His great love for me, He provides for me. My heart is at rest knowing that God rises the sun every morning to demonstrate His adoration for me. That is something beautiful. I'm done fretting over things in this life. I don't fret over the sun and it still rises. Today, I'm choosing to abide in Jesus and I have been made aware of His love for me.

I hope that some day, you may come to know that God loves you. He accepts you just as you are, and you are His beloved. He will never leave or abandon you. He will draw near to you and He can mend your life. He can restore your heart and fill it to the brim with joy and you can be satisfied in Him. He can be your portion, and give you hope and rest and peace. May you come to know that you are forgiven, and more importantly, adored. Just. as. you. are. May you stop fretting and stand in awe of the One who rises the sun.

Keep the change

Hmm. I have lots to say, yet by the same token, I have nothing to say at all. There sure are a lot of changes going on over here!
1) I'm living in down town Phoenix next semester with the most amazing family ever (next to mine of course). Like seriously AMAZING and I am so, SO excited to share life with them and their precious girls.
2) Kevin is gone. And he took my cousin with him :( poo. Remind me again why I get left out of all of the once-in-a-lifetime-trips?!? Oh yeah... it's because I have a uterus. poo again.
3) I'm churchless. I have officially flown the nest -so to speak- and no longer have a church to call home. On one hand, I'm flying and that is exciting (the thrill of not knowing where I'm going to go adds some spice to my life for sure!), on the other hand, I don't have a home to go to. I don't have a place to land and that's down right weird.
So yeah, life as I know it is most definitely changing, and adjusting to a new way of life is pretty difficult. I have no idea what my summer will look like. Even my summer plans are changing, but I take comfort in knowing that I am God's beloved, and that He has most definitely been working all things together in my life for the good (His faithfulness towards me is SO so evident in my life!) and I have peace in knowing that He will continue His good work in me. Even when I feel like asking Him to keep the change and stop bestowing it on me :) Oh well, if I wasn't being stretched, I'd likely be stagnant, and I'd much rather take the uncertainty of being stretched over the latter. God is good. So good. And I am fully aware of His great love for me. I'm done.

Chicken Little

This week has be exceptionally difficult for me. *Note: I should probably be working on my finals right now -- which is due in 24 mins, and isn't near being finished -- but I'd rather be blogging... let's see if I can make this quick.* Yeah this week has been really hard. Really hard. I feel like Chicken little, and yes the sky seems like it's falling. I do not intend on informing you why (sorry), but let's just say that I'm having to really, really, trust in Jesus with the outcome of my life. I trust in Him to write a beautiful story for my life and my summer and I trust Him with all of the relationships that He has placed in my life.

This week, I've learned (yet again) that relationships are sticky. They're messy and difficult, but I have hope that with hard work, like any good thing, they will be fruitful. Through the sowing of many tears and the process of burying my will to take up God's will for me, I trust that He will in turn take my hurt and do something beautiful with it. I trust Him, because of His faithfulness. So, I'm sitting here, supposedly taking my final, with swollen eyes from the tears that pour endlessly from my face, and I'm writing this from a heart that is really hurting, but I take comfort in knowing that this life isn't about me and what I accomplish, but that this life is for and about Jesus. He has conquered this world for me -- in His death -- and I can stand victorious with Him -- because of His Resurrection -- that brings me hope. And hope is all I have. Hope is the one thing that can never be taken from me, and the current source of my joy -- even through pain. While taking my final, I found myself singing (without even thinking about it) a hymn. I thought I'd include the lyrics...

When peace like a river, attendeth my way,

When sorrows like sea billows roll;

Whatever my lot,

Thou hast taught me to say,

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,

It is well, with my soul,

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet,

though trials should come,

Let this blest assurance control,

That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,

And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!

My sin, not in part but the whole,

Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,

Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,

The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;

The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,

Even so, it is well with my soul

Christ has regarded my helpless estate and has shed His own blood for my soul. Because of that, I can say that it is well with me. Okay I have five mins until I have to turn in my final. Yikes! So long <3

Forwards....

Ha! So I really really really don't like receiving annoying forwards, but I got this one tonight and thought that it offered some truth (and it made me think...), so I thought that I'd pass it along. *I can't believe I'm actually supporting a forward* Oh well. I hope you enjoy :)

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person..

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, To aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are.They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank you for being in my life <3

Words

Ha. Words are funny. Words are essential in communication (which is something I am very fond of :) and they enable the soul to be expressed. Tonight, I feel as if words fail me. The past few weeks of my life have been ________ (word fail). Fill in the blank with: joyous, comical, hurtful, happy, lonely, satisfying, sad, fulfilling, incredible... the list goes on.

Last week, my brother was accepted into the Army. I love him. He is an extension of me -- of my soul. I understand him like none other. Kevin is wonderful. He speaks painful truth to me in a loving manner and can make me smile so big my cheeks hurt(*literally*). We can communicate without words. All this to say, I'm going to miss him. My summer won't be the same without him. Hume won't be the same without him. Trips to CA to see our grandparents definitely won't be the same without him -- there will be no one for me to poke and pester in the car :( -- Essentially, my life won't be the same without him. It will be a lonely and somber place without his corny jokes and his companionship this summer!

Last week also brought on more change in the form of my animals. I have decided that I love to my detriment. :\ My heart gets involved with anything that has a pulse and that opens me up to so much pain. My horses (as you can probably tell from my past blog posts) have brought me so much joy, and have reciprocated the love and affection I have poured into them. Last week, they, along with the goats, found a new home. That killed my heart, but simultaneously I felt (and feel) so much peace. As my grandpa once told me, "Kel it is better to love, and experience hurt, than to close yourself off to love and never know it." Gah. Wisdom at its finest I tell you.

Tomorrow, I'm having my hair chopped off. In two weeks, Kevin is graduating. After graduation, he will be leaving for the Army. After all of that, there will likely be some changes around the home, and I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. I have so much free time now without the horses in my life, and I don't have a "thing" anymore. It used to be the case that if someone asked me what I was into, I'd say horses -- some say music, others say sports, for some it's entertainment, but for me, it was my babies -- now my cover is gone, and I'm exploring new things. Not only am I exploring new things, but I'm doing it solo -- Kev will be busy with his new "thing" aka the Army. Have I made my point yet? Change isn't for that faint of heart (wise words from Briauna Heart) and I'm most definitely receiving my fair share of change.

The truth that comforts me is the knowledge that when all around me crumbles and walks away, I have placed my hope in an everlasting, ever constant, unchanging God, and He loves me. My heart is alive with hope even in the midst of my "Under Construction - Speed Limit 25 mph" life. My heart is at peace. Thank you Jesus for breathing new life into me and for enabling the spirit of God to dwell in me and work through me.

I'll leave you with a quote from the best *stinkin* book ever -- Posers, Fakers, and Wannabes (unmasking the real you). This quote is quickly becoming the anthem of my life: "The highest, most demanding call on my life is becoming like Jesus. It's not just copying what Jesus would do, it's the very life of Jesus flowing in me and through me and out of me because God's Spirit has taken up residence in my heart." How awesome is that? May that be said of me someday when I pass -- that I didn't try to live life well and not screw up so as to just make Jesus look attractive -- but may it be said of me that Jesus lived in me and His spirit worked through me to grab a hold of and administer love to the hearts of others around me. This excites me and brings me great joy. :)

I'm done. Actually no, no I'm not... I just finished book club with grandpa and he told me that he's considering taking me on a trip to Arkansas to go fishing!!! Gah. How exciting!!! Yes, it's just a thought, and I shouldn't get my hopes up, but seriously, how is a girl expected to sleep at night with ravishing thoughts of fishing on a lake, in a cute little boat, with the man she aspires to be like when she grows up sitting right next to her for company? :) Yeah no, my hopes are already up. They win and I'm excited for this summer! I laugh in the face of change. Mwahahahaha. When I am out of my comfort zone and safety net, it would logically follow that I am actively having to rely fully on Jesus. And that, my friends, is well worth the price of change any day :) *Please remind me of those words in a few weeks when my second soul is relocated to Texas and I feel as though change is the enemy!* Okay I'm done rambling! Byes.

Faithful

Boy oh boy, where to start? Yesterday was undoubtedly the saddest day of my life. When I was in kindergarten, my teacher asked each child to write a true story of an event that happened in my life. My story was entitled "The saddest day of my life." Catching right? My story depicted the tale of falling in love with an animal (a golden retriever at the pound to be precise) and then not being able to bring that animal home with me (someone else got to it before we did). My paper was bombarded with tears and misspellings, which only proved my title to be true. In the short 5 years of my life, I hadn't experienced anything so sad. With 13 more years of experience, I can now say that yesterday took the prize for the saddest day ever. Allow me to explain...

11 years ago, I was attending a public school in Gilbert and just going through the motions of every day life. Fast forward a year, and I was given 2 horses for Christmas. They breathed life into my veins. My horses taught me to love unconditionally (even if you get bucked off or trampled), they taught me how to communicate with other means than words (try telling a 1000 pound animal what to do with just body language -- it's pretty powerful!), they taught me how to truly care for something other than myself (rain or shine, there was always work to be done with them!) and they gave me the thrill of life. They, in return, took care of me, were willing to learn, loved me back, and respected me. We shared many great memories together -- from 5 am rides in the summer time to the local 7/11 to buy slurpies and funyuns, to competing in Barrel racing shows, we definitely shared some wonderful times.

Once we got the horses, we moved out to Queen Creek (so that they could live in our backyard). This move impacted my life severely. Because of this move, I began home schooling, we found a new church and developed brand new relationships with quality people that I still admire to this day. After a few years of homeschooling, I began attending the local Community College which also had a severe impact on my education. After I finished the courses needed for High School, I began working on Nursing prerequisites... which brings me to where I am today -- 18 and accepted into ASU's Nursing School. The horses acted as catalysts for my future. With them, brought change, and the change was for the better.

Last semester (fall 08), I had applied to Nursing School and didn't get accepted. I was confused by this (merely because I felt a calling on my life to become a nurse), but trusted that God had a plan for me and for my future. Looking back on it now, God gave me the gift of time. In this past semester, I have had the ability to love on my horses and nurture them, I've also made many new and awesome friends, and I've been able to spend time with my family -- especially my brother (who is leaving for the Army and then Dental School starting in early June).

Today, I have been overwhelmed by God's faithfulness to me. He provided me with the privilege of owning horses. He also provided me with a loving home to send them to. He has provided me with the finances to pay for them over the past year (which is an incredible story -- you should ask me about it sometime...). He provided me with the gift of being accepted into Nursing School, after first being rejected -- merely to give me the gift of time. He found a loving home for my goats, and has orchestrated my whole life and made it beautiful because of His faithfulness to me.

Growing up, my favorite movie was Charlotte's Web. That movie made me cry every-single-time I watched it, mainly because of one scene in particular. The scene begins with Fern (the farmer's daughter) rescuing the runt of the litter (Wilbur) from slaughter, and nurturing him back to life. When Wilbur grows up to be a healthy pig, Fern's dad found him a new home. The part that made me lose it was when Fern said goodbye to Wilbur and watched him drive away to a new life. She knew that he would have to go on living without her... Yeah. Tragic. I felt like I was reenacting that scene in real life yesterday. I kissed my babies goodbye and watched them drive away.

For someone who prides herself on loving, abandonment is the hardest thing in the whole wide world. My horses went to a lovely home, as did my goats, but in my heart, it still feels like I've abandoned them. My heart feels empty. Like a mother who's lost her child. My eyes are swollen from the tears that seem to be endless. I feel like staying under the covers all day and never coming up for air. As much as my heart hurts thought, I'm filled with peace -- which is just plain weird if you ask me. Peace that confirms to me that I made the right decision. Peace that illustrates God's faithfulness to me. Peace which surpasses all understanding. My soul is at ease, even when my heart feels hollow. But I entrust myself to the One who has worked my life together for the good. To the One who gave me the gift of my horses, the gift of time, and now the gift of Nursing School. He has a beautiful plan for me, and this was simply just a part of His plan.

This is the day that the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it. Love, Kel

P.S. check out this website for my "goodbye" pictures of me and my horses (you might need to scroll down...) http://treasurethetime.com/blog/ Thank you to Mrs. Bradshaw for everything! I have so much love in my heart for her, and her precious family.

P.S.S. My dad got a blog :) and he gave his account of yesterday... http://mlassiter.blogspot.com/

Dijon Mustard

This week has been different. Lovely, yes. Difficult, for sure. Confusing, most definitely. Beautiful, undoubtedly. The theme of my life (sadly enough) is praying -- without true faith for what it is I am praying for. You know that passage in Matthew... the one that says "I tell you the truth, if you have the faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."

Yeah, that passage most definitely sums up the theme of my life! When I was little, my greatest desire was to own a horse :) I prayed about that more than anything and one day, completely unexpected, my prayers came true. God fulfilled the desires of my heart. I can remember a time 6 years back when I was saying goodbye to my horse (he was deathly ill), at the equine hospital -- the vet said that he shouldn't make it through the night -- I kissed him goodbye and prayed; Again, without faith. And today, he greeted me with a kiss, just like he has every other day since the time I brought him home from the hospital -- fully healed. He is a walking, breathing, living, loving testimony of God's goodness to me. And a textbook definition of a miracle. The vets could not explain his complete healing. I could. Prayer and faith in a BIG God.

Moving on, the other craving of my heart has been to become a nurse. The premise behind the nursing profession is one person caring for another. Beautiful. This has my name written all over it :) I feel like nursing is what I am uniquely called to. Throughout the past few years, I have been working towards my goal of becoming a nurse. Recently, I received notice that I have been accepted into Nursing School! This too happened after years of praying without faith (I prayed but didn't think that acceptance was likely). I am living proof of what Jesus said to the disciples in Matthew. My prayers were littered with mustard seeds and surely they have moved mountains. I know that I am only embarking on this journey of Nursing School, but I wouldn't be here today -- living the life I'm living -- owning horses of my own -- accepted into nursing school -- if it weren't for my faith.

From my horses, to becoming a nurse, to my car (that's a great story -- ask me about it sometime!), to having a love for someone who profoundly hurt me (another great story...), to testing in the top 3% on my Nursing Entrance Test, my life is what it is today, because of Jesus. Those things that I've just listed are just a glimpse into the miracles I've witnessed throughout my lifetime. To me, that is just evidence that I serve a God who is present and active. A God who dwells in His people and with His people. A God who's spirit is relevant to my life, today.

Two weeks ago, I began praying for direction. Yes, Nursing School is the general direction of which I am headed, but there are so many details that need to be set before next August. One of those details would be my horses. Two weeks ago, I began praying for direction. The horses are not mine. I've wholly surrendered them to God. They are His. They have been in my life for over 10 years, and have helped form me into the lady I am today. He has used them to illustrate what moving mountains look like -- to a girl who holds a mustard seed at heart. He has shown His goodness to me, through them. Today, I met with a family, a family that will potentially provide a new home for my babies. Two weeks ago I was praying (without faith -- I didn't think that anything would happen), praying that I would find a way for them to be taken care of. Praying that they would be loved on while I was preoccupied with school. Last week (on Tuesday), I heard from this family, and today I met them. They are sweet people. More than that, I know that they would love my babies with the same passion and spirit in which I love them. They're in the process of deciding and seriously talking about bringing my loves home with them, but it would appear that I've found my horses a new home today.

I am at rest. My soul is at ease. God has a plan and fully surrendered is the best place to be. Funny how fast things can happen -- one min you think you're in control, the next min, you give something over to God, you hand over the reigns, and the next moment, they're gone. His plan for me is beautiful. He has a lovely ending to my story, and as sad as this makes me, I have hope. More than that, I have faith.

*The picture is of an actual mustard seed. Notice how little it is and that it's inside of a necklace :) *

God is.

This past week, I was reflecting on truths that I know, and came up with yet another question to drop on unsuspecting friends during casual conversations. :) Are you ready for this? *I happen to think that it is a profound question* If you were to complete the following sentence with only one word, what word would you use to fill in the blank?

God is __________.

Pretty grand huh? I think that this question (when answered) gives a true glimpse into the heart and soul of the person answering. This question is so profound because it essentially sums up ones' view of God -- in one word. Allow me to illustrate.
-If someone were to answer "God is forgiving", that could imply that perhaps this person has a past that they are ashamed of, and when they view God, they choose to dwell on the truth that God has forgiven them of their sins and washed them white as snow.
-Another possibility could be the answer "God is sovereign." The inference that could be drawn from this is that one chooses to dwell on the truth, and take comfort and peace in knowing that God is a big God. That the God they serve has everything under control and that He has a beautiful plan for their life. That nothing is outside of His reach, and that everything is under His power.

So yeah, I really like this question to say the least. My answer to this question, in case you were wondering is love. To me, God is love. Sounds cliche right? But really, I tend to view life through a love colored lens. The way I see it, God breathed me into existence because He loves me. Even when I turned from Him and was lost in my sin, He loved me so much that He wished to make a way for me to be back in relation with Him. He sacrificed Himself, out of His great love for me, to make atonement for my sins. He purchased me with His blood because of His love for me, and, in return, has given me freedom. He has liberated my soul because of His love for me, and He dwells in me and speaks to me out of His love for me. Yeah, to me, life revolves around love. Which is truly a mind blowing concept! Because of His love for me, when I encounter people who are broken and hurting, I wish to pour love into them, His love, through me, into them, because I know that the one thing they truly seek is unconditional love and I know that God's love is satiating and eternal. Love is what makes my world go round and it is because of God's love for me that I am satisfied in Him.

Moving on, I found myself reading 1 John 4 last week. It has this to say: "Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent His only Son into the world, so that we might live through Him. We love because He first loved us. If anyone says 'I love God,' and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love love God whom he has not seen. And this commandment we have from Him: whoever loves God must also love his brother."

I think that so often, many people feel as if there is a long "Christian To-Do List." I've heard fellow believers talk about how draining it is to be a follower of Christ. They've mentioned that they feel that there is so much to do in a day, that they hardly feel as if they have the time to do it all -- from praying, to having devotions, to evangelizing, to loving others. Not to mention the guilt or feeling of inadequacy they experience if any one of these things is not accomplished in a day. Here's a thought... why don't we spend our time loving God? When our focus is on loving God, everything else is sure to fall into place. When we truly love God, we want to speak to Him, and prayer comes as naturally and is as necessary as breathing. When you whole-heartedly love God, you wish to gain more knowledge and understanding of Him, through reading His word. Out of your love and adoration for God, you will naturally love those that He loves, and if you find someone that is lost, you will desire for them to know and experience God's love and presence in the same magnitude with which your heart experiences it.

Chew on this fellow believers... If your focus is currently on checking off the items on your "Christian To-Do List" -- meaning that if you are currently focused on accomplishing the great works that are unspokenly expected of Christians-- focused on things like praying, having a diligent quiet time, evangelizing, loving others, or any of these like things (all of which a great things might I add) this merely means that your focus has been diverted from God and to the works of this world. My encouragement to you would be this, may you love God. May you abide in Him, and may your eyes and heart be focused purely on Him. May you come to find that out of true love for God, everything else in your life will fall swiftly into place. He loves you. May that truth resonate in your heart today and may you stop focusing on works and start abiding in Him.

I'm done. :)

Beauty

On Saturday, I went hiking in the rain. When I got to the top of the mountain, I realized that some of the most simple things in life are beautiful. I've decided to list the things in which I find true beauty. Enjoy!

*Hiking in the rain
*Watching the sunrise from the top of a mountain
*Long prayer walks
*A big messy kiss from a horse with an adorably wet, sloppy face -- from bobbing for apples in his water (probably the most beautiful thing on this list... seriously) :)
*Solitude time in the Forrest -- and actually feeling the presence of God
*Laughing to the point of side stitches and tears (Kevin has this art mastered)
*Falling into slumber while having someone read to me
*Sleeping (literally) under the stars while being surrounded by people I love
*Lying in the fetal position, in a big chair, with a great book, late at night (how's that for a sentence fragment? :p)
*Writing and receiving letters
*Loving someone so much that you think that if your heart gets any bigger, it will explode inside of your chest
*Dreaming
*Watching your dreams come true before your eyes
*Date nights with Kevin (even if all we do is talk while sitting on your bed)
*Competing against Britton in anything that can be turned into a competition :)
*Long, tearful conversations with grandpa about life, love and Jesus
*Hume Lake
*Playing tag in the backyard with silly little goatlings
*Getting lost in thought on the back of a horse
*Spring flowers that bloom after weeks of hard work
*Sitting outside during an Arizona monsoon shower
*Singing loudly :)
*Letting others know that I care about them
*Balloons
*Smelling like fire after a long camping trip
*Riding rides and winning prizes at the Fair/Rodeo
*Baking non-fail cookies and sharing them with friends :)
*Smiling all the time (even at strangers)
*Green Tea
*Finishing a dear friend's sentences
*Having close friends that can read my facial expressions (including, but not limited to -really -seriously and -I don't approve) :)
*Sunday night dinners -with my whole family talking about politics and eating amazing food
*Dresses (they definitely take second place)

Yeah, that's all I've got for now! I hope that your eyes may be opened up to the simple things in life that are truly beautiful. Until the next post... peace, love, and granola. :p

Swallow the world

Gah! I have so stinkin much to say! All week last week, I meant to sit down and blog, but I never made the time... Anyways, more blogs to come for sure! :p Mmk so how about I start with where my heart was last week!

Last week, I came to the realization that I'm done. I'm so done. I am just done with this life. I realized last week that this life brings me no lasting fulfillment and that it doesn't hold my soul. Don't get me wrong, there are definitely things in life which I enjoy, spending time with and loving on others would definitely be at the top of this list. But coffee dates only last so long, and friendships often come in waves. One season in life they're here, the next they're gone. So yeah, last week the prayer of my heart was God can I just be done?

Please don't misinterpret what I'm saying! I'm not suicidal. I do not plan on taking my life. :P Last week, I just came to a place where I realized that there was nothing I'd rather be doing than spending time in the presence of God. There is nowhere else I'd rather be than with Him. Last week, the greatest desire of my heart was to be with Him and never ever leave. This world doesn't hold my soul, but He does. He is my strength and my portion. In Him I have found lasting fulfillment and because of His satiating love, my heart longs -- more than anything -- to be with Him.

So yeah, last week I sulked over and became envious of the story of Enoch... to say the least! :) In genesis 5 (vs 24), it says "Enoch walked with God, and he was not, for God took him." How incredible is that? I would love to have the same said for me! My desire is to walk with Him, and last week my prayer was to be no more because I wanted God to take me too. I'm ready to be with Him. Obviously, I'm still here, which only means that God isn't finished with me! I'm only in the middle of my story. He isn't ready for me to have my happily ever after yet -- the beautiful ending where I am reunited with Him. That must mean that His will for me is to be here, and until He is ready for me to join Him, I will continue to do what I enjoy most, loving others.

I read a quote last week that I instantly adopted as my life motto. It said "I wish to love the whole world. One person at a time." So until He calls me to Himself, I will continue to do that which He has given me a passion for, loving. God is so good and the cup of my heart is beyond full. I love because He loves me.

In closing, I read a passage in John last week that gave me hope. In John 16 it says "In the world, you will have tribulation. But take heart for I have overcome the world." Sometimes I feel like as a follower of Jesus -- in being set apart for Him -- I have a lot on my plate. Following Him with my whole heart, renouncing the sin of the world, loving others fearlessly, being quick to forgive, and slow to anger -- worshiping Him with my thoughts, actions, and the motives of my heart... the list goes on. Yah, I feel like I'm having to swallow and digest something equivilent to the size of the world. Talk about heartburn! :p I've often felt the pressure the perform, and to perform perfectly. Yet last week, God graciously reminded me that He has overcome the world. It is not for me to overcome on my own. He has already defeated the yolk of sin and made a way for me to be triumphant too!

Not only has He written the play of my life, but He has also cast all of the members too. He has orchastrated the music that beats within my heart and all I have to do is trust Him. He will take care of the rest. He has a beautiful ending for me, and for my story, but I'm still in the middle of the production. So until my final act, may it be said of me that I abide in and trust in Jesus. May I not lose sight (or heart for that matter) of His grace and may I rejoice in the truth that He has overcome the world for me.

May your heart be liberated by the truth of Jesus and may you know Him in an intimate way. May you join me in running the race to be with Him and may our stories intertwine. May you know the power of God's love and may it transform you. May you never be the same. This is the story that's been on my heart (the overview at least...), if I've left you with questions feel free to ask. Until the next blog post... Hi ho hi ho its off to love I go. ba da duh da duh da duh da duh da Hi ho Hi ho Hi ho Hi ho. :)